Sometimes the Line Walks you

2007-05-27T01:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know about your phone, but when I tried to text the word "craziest," my stupid phone defaulted to "braziest" and didn't even offer "craziest" as an alternate match. Then it asked if I wanted to add a word to the dictionary, and I was like, "If you're too stupid to know the word 'craziest,' I don't have time to teach you." Then I was like, "It's time to go for a walk because I just had a fight with my phone." I hope we make up soon because I need it for work and stuff.

2007-05-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

If Anna Nicole Smith were alive, she would call me up and say, "Wow, your life is ridiculous."

Seriously. My life, is ridiculous. It's not bad. It's not good. It's simply ridiculous.

And yes dear, I'll elaborate. Just not right now.

2007-03-15T19:28:00.000-07:00

Stephanie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

And wonder of wonders... it's not over yet. Sweet Jesus, where is the justice in that?!

Chapter 1: The Gas and Go that Wasn't.

I left earlier this morning than I normally would because I needed gas. I knew I needed gas because I drove home from Leamington the day before on empty. Fortunately, I've tested the theory on running out of gas enough to know that you don't actually run out of gas until the needle is at least 2 millimeters below the E line. Well on a real car, that's the theory. On the fuckus that I'm driving until my real car is fixed... not so much. What? You could give it heated leather seats and mirrors, but couldn't adhere to the "below the E line" rule? I hope they all get penis cancer.

Anyway, on with the story: I live in a residential area with lots of four-way stops. And two blocks away from my house, having not yet reached a gas-station, I found myself in gridlock. GRIDLOCK, at a four-way stop, within shouting distance of my bedroom. I was like, "Really? Are you serious? It's 6:30 in the morning!"

So there I am, trying to get on with my drive to work, and I use the term "drive" loosely, because well DRIVING, or more accurately, NOT DRIVING through construction sucks. But "not driving" when you're in a fuckus with none of your own Cd's to speak of, is thirteen different shades of suck. I don't know what kind of mass dementia has convinced a whole city that idling in place for several hours counts as "driving."

Chapter 2: At work. The Bank Deposit/Tim Horton's Run/Terrible Accident.

Believe it or not, I don't actually despise going to the bank to do our accounting deposits. I never have to wait in the "regular" business line, and there's never anyone in the "business services" line, so I'm usually in and out. Today, on the other hand, was unofficial Old-Ass Motherfucker Day. On said day, I believe they let loose all the local nursing homes in the area and allow them to roam freely in town. You wouldn't let your dog wander around without a chain people, why would you let your senile old person?! They could get hit by a car. Either accidentally, or uhm... not so accidentally.

But I digress. After FINALLY making it out of the bank, I stopped at Tim Horton's for the office Timmy run for the day. I guess Unofficial Old-Ass Motherfucker Day also extends to Drive-through zoning, because there were at least (and I'm so not exaggerating here) 25 cars in the drive-thru. I wasn't particularly in a hurry, so I got in line. I should have known better than to engage in sheep mentality. Nothing good ever comes from that.

I was hmming and haahing over the line when suddenly, I found myself violently pitched forward. It took me a second to realize that someone had rear-ended me, which I found disorienting because whenever I imagine myself getting into a car accident, I just assume it will be my fault. So I was pretty unprepared for the million year old man who emerged from the car behind me, hobbled up to my window, and explained, "Sorry, ! I wasn't watching... " And then seemed to forget what he was saying. The bumper was fine, and the old man was fine, and by then I was so antsy I told him not to worry about, and just drove off, completely forgetting about my drive-thru order.

I could write Chapter 3 about how the lady at the second Tim Hortons screwed up the order, despite my giving her a large, but neatly written list, but I'll save that for another day.

But because today has already lapsed into parody, I'm not so excited to talk to Ed tonight. I can only imagine what kind of fun and potentially disastrous little revelations he's come up with during our break.

On the bright side, at least fighting with him will give me something to do. I've been bored all week.

The terrible thing about living in Essex County is that you just can't find a high enough cliff to throw yourself off of.

2007-03-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

Last night after coming home from what I can only describe as a fantastic trip to London with Lynz and Amanda, the fnord and I got to talking.

No matter how long it's been since we've spoken last, and no matter what has happened in that timeframe, he's still the same, and I'm still the same, and the dynamic we have hasn't changed in TEN whole years, although the relationship has a great deal. The thing about Fnord and I is that we're completely different, yet surprisingly the same. I think that's why we've been friends for so long: In our differences, we still completely "get" each other. I miss him when we don't talk, and I'm going to do a better job of staying in touch.

Although if he tries to force feeds me sill at his wedding, I may have to kill him and hide him under the porch with all the other men who've tried to make me eat fish over the years. And I know when he sees this he will threaten me with a duck and talk of s&m sex with cute kittens.

In other news:

I hate not having a car.

PLEASE! HURRY AND FIX MY SALLY!

Yes, her name is Sally. She has her own theme song, and before she broke she was even relatively clean., which never happens because I spend more time in my car than at either one of my homes.

This whole without transportation thing needs to stop. I hate having nothing to do. I'm wondering now why I didn't insist on a rental.... My bad. Next time.

I'll be in Bristol, TN in two weeks.

I Heart Bristol.

The last couple years we've had so much fun up there that we've made it an annual spring trip.
I'm hoping it won't be as cold this year as it was last year, but true tailgaters can deal with any weather. Rain, sleet, ice and cold....which is pretty much everything we had up on the mountain last year actually. So I'm hoping for some sun, but it'll be just as fun either way.

I have nothing clever to say. Actually, I don't even have anything amusing to say. I'm still in a really good mood.

That is all.

2007-03-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

Ed isn't a very patient person. Ever. It's just how he is, and mostly I'm cool with that. A couple weeks ago my driver side tire went flat. Now, I can change a tire in a pinch, but I don't know if you've noticed or not, but it was frickin' freezing out for a while. Anyway, girls who have roadside assistance don't need to change tires, a man in a little truck shows up and does it for them for free. Unfortunately, girls who misplace their roadside assistance card with the ID number and the phone number on it have to call their boyfriends to come and get them, because hell will freeze over before they get down on the snow covered ground to change a tire themselves.

Anyway, the tire was so flat that it actually came off the rim so when he asked me if I was sure it was flat, I was very certain about the tire, and moderately annoyed that he thought he should ask if I was sure or not. Like I can't tell the difference between a properly inflated tire, and one that is so flat, it's actually come off the rim. After a couple more stupid questions on his part, he came, stuck the spare on and then followed me to Canadian Tire to see if they could repair the tire, or if I needed an entire new one.

They couldn't find anything wrong with the tire. Nothing. At. All. Apparently, it was just flat. No pinholes in the tire, no problems with the rim, nothing. They re inflated it, sealed it back up, and it was fine. They didn't even charge me for looking at it.

As this is going on, Ed is giving me the "I told you so" look, like I've imagined the whole thing. because clearly, there's nothing wrong with the tire and I made him spend twenty minutes on the cold ground getting a tire off for nothing. He actually said that. That I imagined it. Despite the fact that the tire was obviously flat. I was SO mad, but couldn't say anything because I couldn't explain why exactly the tire had gone flat in the first place. So I quietly festered to myself and he maintained that it was all in my head, and I had no idea what I was talking about.

Fast forward to the other day:

"There's something wrong with my car. It's making a noise."
"There's nothing wrong with your car."
"Yes there is. It's making a noise. I can't place the noise, but I certainly hear a noise."
"It's probably just the cold. There's nothing wrong with your car."
"Yes. There is. I should know. I drive it every day and it's making a damn noise."
"Yeah. Like the way there was something wrong with the tire?"
"The tire was flat, jackass."
"Uh-huh."
"I knew you'd bring that up. But whatever. Can you just listen to it?"
"Is the engine light on?"
"No..."
"There's nothing wrong with your car."
"Eddie, it's making a noise, if you'd just drive it, you'd hear it."
"I'll put it on the scanner. When that comes back with no code, will you drop it?"
"Why would you scan it? It's not going to code if the engine light isn't on..."
"Just let me scan it."
"OK...but drive it, I just want you to hear it. It doesn't even make the noise really until you're in fourth gear"
"It's shitty out right now. I'm not driving your car anywhere. Get snow tires. I'll scan it, then you can drop it."
"I'm not imagining it Ed."
"Just pull it into the garage and let me scan it."

So he scans it, and as I expected, no code came up BECAUSE THE ENGINE LIGHT WAS NOT ON. By that time my blood was already boiling because I was tired of feeling like I was wrong when I was pretty sure I was right.

"See, nothing wrong."
"But the noise--"
"There's no noise. I listened to it."
"You listened to it while it idled. You can't hear it until you're in fourth. I think I explained that about forty times now."
"There's nothing wrong babe."
"Don't patronize me. I'm not imagining it, and all I want you to do is drive the damn thing."
"Stop getting excited over nothing."
"I'm not excited, and you're not listening"
"You're getting all worked up, and I'm not listening to it because you're wrong."

A couple other choice things were said, and I left. I think I may have slammed the door on the way out, too which I'm sure impressed him further.

Still stewing in my own rage, and feeling a bit on the petty side, I spent the day out and about and then decided to take the car over to BFI for Jay to look at. Just to have someone on my side at this point, I actually stopped caring if there was something actually wrong with the car of not. I really just wanted someone to tell me that I wasn't losing my mind, and there was actually something wrong with my car. Even better than Jay, the actual mechanic who works there, Bruce, was still there and he offered to take my car for a ride (in lousy weather, might I add). And when he was done driving it, he actually got down under the car to confirm his suspicions.

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, there IS something wrong with my damn car. I did not imagine the sound. Bruce totally heard it. It wasn't in my head. I'm not losing my damn mind.

I'll have to take it in to the dealership to find out exactly what, because it's hard to diagnose a problem by just taking a quick look, and I thought that Bruce had already done enough for me for a night.

He even wrote me a note explaining to Ed that there's something weird going on with the rear differential.

I heart Bruce.

....and boy is Ed mad at me for going over and above to prove him wrong. Sometimes even when I win, I lose.

But I still won.

2007-03-05T07:14:00.000-08:00

This is not a bad mood of epic porportions.

Actually, I'm still in a good mood. Nonetheless, a list of things things that irritate me:

People who are incapable of answering questions of the "yes" or "no" variety.
If the question has one of two possible answers, there is absolutely no need to make addendums to it! Why oh why is it so hard to say either "yes" or "no?" I don't need a detailed blow by blow of your day, all I'm looking for is... "yes"or "no." Period. That's the end. Stop there. If I need more information than that, I'll certainly ask. I'm not shy. I swear.
As with accessories, sometimes less is more.

Buggy eyed white boys who kill and dismember their wives.
Yeah, I'm looking at you, Stephen Grant, you sick bastard. What the fuck is up with that anyway? It's always the arrogant white boys who want to hack you into bits and then sprinkle you all over a park somewhere.
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/articleAID=/20070305/NEWS06/703050349/1008/NEWS06

Cats.
Why can't you play nice and quiet like the dog? Listening to you two race around and crash into things makes me doubt that you're as clever as you would have everyone believe. Knock it off or I will be forced to feed you to the roomba.

Fifteen year old boys.
If your mommy is still driving you to school, you ain't no gangster. Pull up your damn pants!

Telemarketers.
I have problems hanging up on you because I know that you have a job to do too. Normally I solve this by simply not answering the phone. Sometimes you trick me and I pick up the phone despite my better judgement. When I discover that you're trying to get me to test your vacuum, or buy your vacation package, it just fans the flames of my rage. When I tell you that I'm not interested, it's really taking all the restraint I have to not call you nasty names, or sound an airhorn in your ear.
Please... just take me off your damn list.

Morning Radio
I cannot abide it's incessant nattering about the mis-adventures of Hollywood's dumbest. And those stupid phone pranks? So old. So over. Please do something else. Actually, please
Just.Play.Music. I don't want to have to pay for Sirius radio, but I will. Do not test me, I have a Best Buy card and I'm not afraid to use it.

Cold weather.
Enough already. We get it. It's almost time to break out the strappy sandals and if you mess that up, so help me god....!

Bi-weekly pay periods.
Jesus, Mary and Joesph! It's impossible to get anything accomplished on a bi-weekly pay period. Bills have a knack for coming due on the off-weeks. On the subject of money, banks irritate me to no end. Nuff' said.

Prostitots.
Mamas, don't let your daughters grow up to be hookers. She's seven, she doesn't need fishnets. You're just asking for some JonBenet loving psycho to come and snatch up your kid. Knock it off.

Pressing 1 to continue.
...and then being redirected to a subsection of a menu that you don't need... like the main menu again. Do away with the automated menu. Give me a live person or give me death. You must join the Church of Automated Menus Suck for which I, the Reverend Horton HAAAAAAATE and the the senior minister.

Rap songs that sample nursery rhymes.
Especially that one about your chain hangin' low? Actually rap in general makes me want to slit my wrists, but it's just sort of a jumping off point for the raps that sample nursery rhymes. There's something innately wrong about combining bitches and hoes with orphans and wobbling to a fro... or uhm something like that. I just don't like it. Whatever. Shut up.

Squirrels annoy Amanda. A lot.
Yeah.

Books the do not fit the size pattern of the other literature on the shelf.
It makes dusting a real bitch. See Also: the inevitable small book that gets jammed in there so tightly it requires dynamite and surgical forceps to retrieve it.

Lists irritate me too. So uhm yeah.

2007-02-26T06:26:00.000-08:00

I never get to stay in bed all day. I don't let myself because,

A) it's highly unproductive and it makes me feel guilty, and
B) I usually get so bored a couple hours into it that I have to get up and do something anyway.

So yesterday when Ed and I didn't get out of bed ALL day long, it was weird.

I didn't make it out of bed because it was cold. That's it. That's my reason. It was cold, and I didn't want to. I hate the feeling of cold floor on bare feet, and I can't sleep with socks on. Additionally, we were up ridiculously late and while I wasn't sleepy, I was a little run-down.

Ed didn't make it out of bed because he and the boys went through four bottles of Crown Royal the night before. I guess there's something to be said for persistence.

I have this theory where if you don't open the blinds, the sun hasn't actually risen. So while I did get up briefly, it was only to let his dog outside, make sure it had food and all that good stuff, make Ed some toast, and turn the dishwasher on. Other than that, the house remained dark except for the TV in the bedroom.

Ed and I have different ideas when it comes to Sunday afternoon television. He likes to watch whatever kind of mind-numbing sports program he can find, and I watch the race (and it was in California this weekend which made it not only a long race, but a late race with the time difference).
Aside from being hungover, he must have been in a good mood because when I came back upstairs he had the race on, and was happy to see that I came back with toast for his tummy, and tylenol for his head.

He's cute when he knows he's drank too much. He's super cute when he's being sheepish and trying to make up for the fact that he's drank too much.

We watched the last couple hours of the race, and while Ed isn't a big fan of racing he follows it enough for my sake to know when to yell at the television in all the appropriate places...which is also cute.

So later that night when he looked at me and and asked me if we had to watch the Oscars, I couldn't help but smile inwardly and reassure him that we absolutely did NOT have to watch the Oscars, although I did reserve the right to flip to them during commercial breaks just to see what Hollywood was wearing.

Instead we ordered chinese and ate it in bed while watching Van Helsing. Twice.

It was sort of a perfect day.

2007-02-19T15:29:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Shrove tuesday.

Blah blah blah.

Paczki are little filled'donuts' covered with a glaze, originating from Poland. They are very fattening, hence the tradition of eating them once a year on Fat Tuesday. But you don’t have to observe Lent or be Polish to enjoy these treats. Likewise, they can be enjoyed any day of the year. They are very tasty and addicting, that’s why it is such a big deal here. In fact, it is such a big deal that every bakery from the mom-and-pop type to the major grocery store sells them. Unfortunately, many of the larger stores’ Paczki are nothing more than filled donuts. That’s what led me to discover this old Polish recipe. If you desire to try the real thing as well, then this recipe is for you.
Ingredients:

1 ½ cups milk
2 envelopes yeast
1 tsp. Salt
½ cup sugar
3 egg yolks
1 whole egg
1 tsp. vanilla
½ tsp. mace or ½ tsp. Nutmeg
½ cup butter or margarine
4 ½ cups flour

Procedure:
Scald milk and allow it to cool to lukewarm. Dissolve yeast in milk.
Add sugar and butter and beat until fluffy. Add eggs, salt, and flavoring.
Add flour and milk gradually, mixing well.
Cover with a damp towel and let rise in a warm place until double in size (about 2 ½ hours).
Punch down, knead, and let rise again for about 1 hour.
Place dough on lightly floured surface and knead.
Pinch off balls of dough about 1 ½” in diameter.
Deep fry in very hot oil, turning when needed. Fry until dark brown, or it won’t be cooked through.
Let cool and fill.

Filling:
You will need a pastry bag (bought cheaply at most stores…even dollar stores) with a long nozzle. Fill the bag with either jelly or the custard recipe below:

Ingredients:
½ cup granulated sugar
¼ cup flour
1 ½ cup milk
6 large egg yolks
2 tsp. Vanilla extract
Pinch of salt

Procedure:
In a saucepan, mix sugar and flour together.
Gradually whisk in milk, egg yolks, vanilla, and salt.
Bring to a boil over medium heat; boil for one minute, whisking constantly.
Strain through a sieve into a bowl to get out the clumps.
Press plastic wrap on the surface to prevent a film from forming. Chill for 30 minutes.
When chilled, place in pastry bag and fill Paczki.

Glaze:
Mix 2 ½ cups powdered sugar and 2 tblsp. honey. Add water until consistency is rather thick. Too much water and it will be runny. You want the glaze to stay on the Paczki as much as possible.,Spoon onto the Paczki and enjoy.

**Fat Tuesday is the day before Ash Wednesday, when the season of Lent begins (the 40-day period before Easter). The tradition is to indulge before committing to 40 days of prayer and of denying yourself certain pleasures.

2007-02-15T10:40:00.000-08:00

Valentines day was awesome.
This week has been awesome.
No Complaints here.

2007-01-24T09:42:00.000-08:00

"I have stopped smoking now and then, for a few months at a time, but it was not on principle, it was only to show off; it was to pulverize those critics who said I was a slave to my habits and couldn't break my bonds."
Samuel Clemens, "Seventieth Birthday Speech"

Heh.

2007-01-03T06:02:00.000-08:00

Jay and I are getting divorced! Or so they tell me. The jilted wife is always the last to know.

Clearly I didn't get the memo, I wasn't even aware we were dating, married or having problems.... Why didn't we get counselling?! Maybe a threesome could have saved our marriage... It's just too late now... Not even Dr. Phil can help us. Maybe Jerry Springer, but he's all booked up until after February Sweeps.

Heh.

For the last five years or so, the long-standing joke has been that I am Jay's "Favorite Future Ex-Wife." It's actually how he introduces me. Everyone we know jokes about it. Even his mom, who last week, introduced the me to her new neighbour as "The best daughter-in-law I never had."

We all come by our kookiness honestly. What can I say?

Anyway, a few days ago while boldly going where no girl has gone before (actually, I was shoe shopping, and Jay came along to keep me company) we ran into a good friend of his, Greg, who was with his new girlfriend. Not knowing that the girlfriend (Her name is Kristin, by the way) and I actually knew each other from mutual friends, Greg introduced us:

"Kristin, this is my old buddy Jay, and this is his favorite future ex-wife, Steph. We all grew up together."

I didn't think anything of it until later in the week, when Matty called me to let me know that his cousin, who had heard of my "marital problems" wanted to send along some words of encouragement and wanted me to know that everything will work itself out.

Uhm. Erm. Thanks?

Naturally, Matty didn't bother explaining that it was all a misunderstanding based on a long running joke, and now half the city of Windsor - and some of Toronto - thinks Jay and I are getting divorced.

My life is a never ending nightmare.

2006-12-30T15:22:00.000-08:00

So we're all going to Hurricanes to watch the UFC fight.
Come along if you're so inclined.

2006-12-17T11:54:00.000-08:00

Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp,
and she's probably getting frisky...
right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...

Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo...

And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat...
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Right now, she's probably up singing some
white-trash version of Shania karoke..
Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"
and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,
Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo...
And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat,
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

I might saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats...

Oh, you know it won't be on me!

Ohh... not on me...
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seat...
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Ohh.. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats...

Ohh... before he cheats...

-- Carrie Underwood

I do love this song.

2006-12-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

So Jay and I are having a Llama War.

Last night while I was at work:

"Stephanie speaking."
"Llllllllamas!"
"Dude."
"No seriously where are you?"
"Well you called my line at work. And I answered. WHere'd you think I was?"
"With the llamas."
"I hate Ohio."
"Ohio is a bad place."
"Ohio IS a bad place."
"What are you doing?"
"Standing in the garage."
"It's cold out. Go inside."
"The lights just went out. I love you."
"You always love me when you're drunk. Are you drunk?"
"I'm SOOOooo drunk."
"Thought so."

"Jay?"
"Who put that car there?"
"Hopefully not you, drunk boy."
"I'm not drunk boy."
"Ok, Llama Boy, then."
"Like a superhero?"
"Sure... Llama Boy - Wonder Avenger of all Stepped on frogs and mutilated ferrets. Drinker of beer and Slayer of all things Emo."
"Yeah.. I like that."
"Despite the fact that people would be calling you Llama Boy?"
"Except for that."
"You can't have the description without the title. It's part of the rules."
"What rules?"
"You know, THE rules. For example, there can be no raping without pillaging, and no pillaging without raping, and all hamburgers must contain cheese. THE rules."
"Remember the time you were drinking tequilla and you thought you peed your pants but it was just the heated car seats?"
"You sure do love telling that story. Usually in front of my dad."
"Your dad is cool."
"My dad would be even cooler if he didn't know that story."
"Your dad would be cooler if her had a tazer."
"I'm hanging up on you now."

This morning I had this in my email:

2006-12-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

Thirty minutes ago I was so angry I couldn't see straight.
And I had to pee.

Now I'm not angry anymore.
And I no longer have to pee.

I think my anger absorbed my pee.

2006-12-02T19:18:00.000-08:00

Before noon today I:

Made breakfast for the eight billion people who came over to wrap presents.

Played hostess for four hours.

Wrapped about seven million presents for the fundraiser despite not being particularly gifted in that area.

Cleaned up six million scraps of wrapping paper, bows, and little cardy things, plus ribbon and tape.

Vacuumed.

After noon:

Swept and cleaned out all the entire bird room. (We have ten new hatchlings and Phil let me hold one yesterday so it was sorta not the problem I make it out to be.)

Crawled into the storage room and recovered Christmas decorations.

Brought in and set up the Christmas tree (fluffed and lit, totally not decorated)

Did six loads of laundry, including folding and putting away (most of which were towels, but gimme a break)

Cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom, including moving the fridge out to get the little surprises out from underneath.

Baked a pie. (When I say baked, what I really mean is I heated in the oven as per the directions on the box.)

Cleaned the turtle tank. Disgusting. Must remind Philip to do that more than once a decade. Poor turtle.

Cancelled plans to go to Great Lakes Crossing because of cold weather. Stephanies don't like the cold.

Stuck a frozen lasagna in the oven. Forgot about it, and then had to air out the house which totally negated my "stay warm at all costs" plan of attack.

Washed the floors. Admittedly I probably wouldn't have done this if I hadn't forgotten to let the dog out which resulted in her peeing all over the floor.

Now:

Getting dressed to go see some band I've never heard of with a friend who garauntees they're unforgettable. (See comments above regarding the cold.)

After this fundraiser tomorrow, I swear I'm on strike. I'm not buying anything, wrapping anything, cleaning anything, or (god forbid) cooking anything for atleast a week. I'm tired.

2006-11-28T13:29:00.000-08:00

There are three rooms in my house right now that have been overrun with Christmas fundraising stuff. And when I say overrun, I really mean packed to the frickin' ceiling.

As a side note: Did anyone else see those retarded upside-down Christmas trees that they're marketing as "space savers?"
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Go back to the boardroom and re-evaluate that decision making paradigm boys. You're making a mockery out of tradition.

Karla and I have finally finished all the shopping, save a couple last doorprizes that I think we've talked a host of local shops into donating. But even if we don't we're well within budget to finish that up.
We do not, however, have any wrapping finished, although we have an actual brigade coming in to help with that next weekend, which is a lifesaver because neither Karla, Chris or I can wrap a present to save our lives. Thank god for volunteers, is all I'm sayin'.

Things are running so much better than last year. We're running on schedule, most invoices have been paid within the 10/15, n/30 terms, and we're feeling pretty good about our choice of Santa Claus this year.

Which brings us to Christmas lights.
They've been purchased for the fundraiser as well as my own home, but I will not be partaking in the setting up of for fear that I will once again set something on fire. THere are others with Christmas light talent that will be taking care of this. Breathe easy.

Just for the record, I haven't started ANY of my own Christmas shopping.

Here's something un-related, but kind of related:

I think Ed's dad should get an award this year. He hasn't even put up 1/4 of the Christmas decorations he has, and he's already outdone himself. As we were leaving his house last night, he insisted on demonstrating his newest yard decoration - a motion-activated santa windsock with light-up eyes that sings christmas carols.

The eyes were red.

He asked me what I thought of it, and the only reply I could think of was, "Wow... his eyes uhm.. really glow. Like Rudolph's nose!" I dubbed the offending ornament "Satan Claus" as soon as we got to the car. I'm almost stunned that he thought this would be make people feel warm and fuzzy, instead of just recoiling in horror, but we're talking about the same person who actually owns the Chirping Bird clock. I love Ed's dad. :)

Satan Claus is scary, but he has a great and gaudy plastic wreath he hangs on his front door that has a little train going 'round and 'round playing Christmas music in train whistles.

Ed hates it that his dad goes overboard. I think it's great.

In other non-Christmas related news:

Clumsy freak that I am, I fell down the concrete steps in front of my work building yesterday. It was inevitable, really. The longer I worked there, the higher my chances were of falling down those stairs. Including yesterday, I've fallen down various staircases 11 times in my life.

Let me repeat that for clarity: 11 Times.

We're not talking about a little mis-step on the staircase, people. We're talking about full, head-over heels rolling down the stairs only to make a wild grab for the bannister that saves our head from being smashed open on the floor. I have made that last wild grab in such a way that the vulnerable back of my head stopped a mere two inches from the cold, concrete ground. Of course, the stairs in front of the building only have, like, six steps, but it still did some damage. We aren't going to discuss the possible long-term effects all those other trips down the staircase have had on my poor brain.

My pantyhose ripped, I got a bleeding scrape/bruise on my ass, and I got another on my calf. There was also a cut and a bruise on my ankle. I re-opened the same stupid bellybutton stich that just finished healing from the last time it ripped open, and I refuse to go get it fixed again. They're going to think I'm a fall-down drunk soon. Which I don't take issue with when I am actually being a fall-down drunk, but my current situation prevents alcoholism by making me sicker than a dog until I heal up. Atleast no one saw it happen.

Alright. That's all.

2006-11-25T03:34:00.000-08:00

Guns N' Roses tonight!!! And guess who's going to be there to start the whole concert off?? The SUICIDE GIRLS!
This is excellent, combining as it does, my love for old hair metal equally with my love for pierced and tattooed burlesque.

hee.

2006-11-21T01:50:00.000-08:00

In the car with Jay today, coming back from what can only be described as an erroneous visit to Home Depot, a Buck Cherry song came on the radio.

I sang along.

Jay shook his head and said
"Yeah. That would be your song."

Heh.

When I told Ed about it later, he echoed the sentiment leaving me to conclude that it can't be both of them. It has to be me.

2006-11-17T07:25:00.000-08:00

This just in: I don't do football.

I barely understand it, I don't follow it, I don't care about it and yet for some crazy reason my presence is needed in Ohio to go watch it. In the cold. With a bunch of crazy people from Ohio who probably want to kill us because the directive from Ed has been to cheer for Michigan. Uhm. Go Blue! (Yeah, I wasn't convinced either.)

Apparently this Ohio State Vs. Michigan game is long-running fued and I should be bust-your-buttons excited. Furthermore I've been informed that people are selling their souls for tickets to this game and I should be in a vegetative state of shock and awe that Ed and his friends are dragging me along.

Do people really get this worked up about college football? It's not like it's the superbowl or anything (not that I care about that either, but atleast I can watch the commercials and be somewhat amused.)

They have llamas in Ohio. Jay and I have discussed this at length. Why llamas? What has a llama ever done for mankind where they'd need to run wild in Ohio? And i've never liked anyone I've ever met from Ohio. Then again, the only people I've ever met from Ohio were 19 years old and over-running our downtown bars.

"Ed about this weekend."
"Bring warm clothes."
"That's what I want to talk to you about. Stephanies don't like the cold."
"Stephanies will get over it."
"Stephanies don't like Ohio either."
"Why don't Stephanies like Ohio?"
"The shopping is bad. And the llamas."
"The llamas?"
"There's llamas in Ohio."
"That's too bad princess, you'll learn to love it."
"But don't you think it would be better if I were relegated to the warmth of the living room and maybe replaced by an actual football fan? I can name atleast ten of your friends who want to kill me and stuff me in a cupboard because they want to go to this game."
"No one is going to stuff you in cupboard."
"Sooo not the point."
"It kind of is."
"Ok, so I'm not getting stuffed in a cupboard. BUt still, don't you think it would be better if--."
"No. It's your ticket. I got it for you a long time ago. I want you to come with me."
"But you could sell the ticket! On e-bay! and probably make like... $200 or something."
"They're actually going for $1500 babe."
"See! All the more reason. I don't need to be there!"
"Yes, you do."
"Why?"
"because I said so."
"You know, I hated it when my dad said it, and I'm not loving it when you do it."
"You'll learn to love it."
"Is that your favorite line today?"
"Yeah, now finish packing because I know you and I know you haven't even started."
"But--"
"But nothing. Get going."

Not impressed. And soon to be a Stephsicle.

2006-11-13T08:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when I'm cold, tired, dabbling with nothing imparticular, and seeing things that make my stomach turn, I think of the fantastic life I could have if I just gave up and got myself committed. I mean, yeah, abuse, drugging, and having to hang around with the mentally ill, but I don't see a downside otherwise. Do they let you read books in a mental institution? I don't think it would be hard to get committed -- all I'd have to start doing is remove the crazy filter I use for everything I say.

My stomach really shouldn't be turning. I shouldn't really be worked up about this. Jesus Fucking Christ. Sometimes I think if I roll my eyes any further into the back of my goddamned head they'll get stuck there. I don't think I've even mentioned her to anyone in a long time. There's no point in thinking about her. I won a long time ago.

I'm angry that my skin still crawls. I hate that some people just don't have the good sense to disappear or die or something. I loathe the fact that it bugs me now even though it's completely different.

I won't be crazy tomorrow.

I'm never crazy two days in a row.

2006-11-12T10:47:00.000-08:00

I the only thing I've ever successfully made in the kitchen, is a mess.

Unless I'm making peperonata. And even then there's still a mess.

Peperonata roughly translates to "pepper stew." My Nonna taught me how to make it when I was a little girl, and it's still one of my favorite things. We put zucchini and eggplant in ours, but those are optional. Some people use capers and olives too, but I'm not crazy about them.

Ingredients

Extra virgin olive oil (the best quality you can find, first cold press)
4 large bell peppers in a variety of colors (I don't like green ones personally)
1 large red onion
2 small white onions
1/2 medium eggplant
1/2 GARDEN zucchini (or 2 or 3 of the skinny store bought ones)
1 cup whole peeled tomatoes
3-5 cloves of garlic (more if you are a die-hard garlic lover and aren't planning to kiss anyone special any time soon)
salt and pepper (to your taste)

Directions

Seed and rib the bell peppers.
Peel and slice the eggplant into small cubes.
Thinly slice the onion.
Cube the zucchini.
Sautè 3-5 cloves of garlic (according to taste) in olive oil.
When garlic has turned brown, remove the garlic from the oil. Toss.
Add the onions, eggplant and peppers and sauté in olive oil on a medium flame until the onion and peppers wilt. (Don't let them brown.)
Next, add the tomatoes,zucchini, salt and pepper stir it all up, lower flame and cover. If you really want to, you can stir a bouillion cube in there for a little more flavor.
Cook for approximately 20 - 25 minutes stirring frequently. Keep covered when you are not stirring.

This dish requires A LOT of olive oil; don't be afraid to add as much as you think is necessary to keep the whole thing moist. Also, if the dish seems too dry, add more tomatoes. Peperonata is great any time, and it's all stuff that comes straight out of the garden. It's very Italian, very good for you, and pretty versatile.
This traditional dish can be eaten hot or cold, as a side dish, over pasta or spread over slices of Tuscan bread. Or, you can put it all in the blender and make a fantastic dip. Serve dip with a mixture of white and blue corn chips...yum!

2006-11-06T07:38:00.000-08:00

Every so often I have little brain bursts about things; why strappy sandals aren't part of a regularly scheduled winter wardrobe, how much I hate cabbage soup, how my brother might benefit from from regular electro-shock therapy treatments, why it's a better idea to clip the dog's nails outside... Stuff like that.

Then sometimes I have bigger, longer lasting ephiphanies that start out with a bang and fade quietly into a slow ponder.

Occasionally (but probably more often than I'm inclined to admit to) I come to realizations. I'm not all that into realizations - It's not that I don't like change. Anyone will tell you I'm definitely not a creature of habit -- I just always feel like realizations are so final. There's no going back, no changing it, no do-overs. Nothing. There it is. That's all folks. Realized. That makes me sad a little. It's not like all realizations are bad -- Quite the contrary. They can be a relief. It's just that finality can be so crushing even if the actual realization isn't such a big deal.

I lost my concentration.

Anyway, because I've had so much damn time to myself lately (which I screamed about not having enough of before I got sick, so a lesson learned on watching what you wish for) I've come to realize a couple small truths about people, and activities, and what makes me happy, and the things/people I really don't give a hoot in hell about.. Lots of little realizations. And completely off topic (but not really): When you're finished realizing, do you get to start over, or do you just move on to something you haven't realized yet?

it would appear that I'm playing a game of "Follow the Trail of the Broken Thoughts."

Anyway.

Maybe the best realizations you can have are about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

The train of thought sorta got a little de-railed there. I meant to say something about hating November.

2006-11-01T12:26:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I didn't sound more excited on the phone
I'm sorry that after all these years
I've left you feeling unrequited and alone,
Brought you to tears
I guess I never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me
I guess I'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
I am

and I don't know what it is about you
I just know it's not what it was
I don't know why red fades before blue it just does
and I don't know what it is about me
that I just can't keep still
I keep thinking someday I will make this all up to you
and maybe someday I will

I guess I never loved you quite as well
as the way you loved me
I guess I'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
I am
sorry I am
sorry I am
sorry I am

--Ani DiFranco

2006-10-30T18:12:00.000-08:00

My mother always told me I should stay out of the damn bushes.
Things that go bump in the night.
Experiment complete. Stop animal testing.
Lynzy braving the experiment.
The rootbeer experiment. Take 1 part rootbeer, mix with all the left over sugar from a colasantis donut bag.
It's Britney y'all!
Heh.
Chicken People.
Kodiak raping a teddy bear.
Erin looking pretty
Jackie showing us a Halloween cookie that has seen better days.

2006-10-25T01:49:00.000-07:00

I crack my knuckles when I'm nervous.

And I play with my fingers. When I feel weird about something, I can't make my hands stop moving. If I'm really nervous about something, my stomach gets involved and makes crazy noises. That's how you can really tell.

I have problems sitting still even when I'm not nervous. I'm like a six-year old with ADHD, except I've been tested, and they tell me I just have a short attention span, there's really no reason why I shouldn't be able to sit through hours and hours of knitting, or instruction manuals -- I just can't. I'm not wired that way.

Keeping my attention is harder than nailing jello to the wall, albeit not as messy and the payout is usually more lucrative.

I forget where I was going with this.

It'll come back to me.

2006-10-21T01:32:00.000-07:00

Now, I have no idea who wrote this. But it's funny. I used to have a much more entertaining version where the world started off with pudding an ants, but I'll be damned if I can find it.

Anyway, it's long, but funny. So don't whine to me about reading a novel. I didn't write it.

Genocide

Chapter 1

1. IN the beginning . . . well, actually for time to theoretically exist it must extend infinitely, thus having no beginning and no end.

2. Any way, a long time ago, there was this being called BOB.

3. And BOB, for reasons unknown (some suspect that it was a Physics project) set out to create the universe.

4. On the first day BOB created the heavens and the earth, and they were without form, and BOB looked at them and saw that they were not good.

5. So BOB crumbled them up and threw them away.

6. On the second day BOB started all over again creating the heavens and the earth, and even thought they still weren't all that good, but they were better than yesterday's and so he kept them.

7. On the third day BOB created the light, the dark, and the flormt. And BOB realized that three might be a little too many things for the under-advanced creatures he was about to create. He thought about them trying to create a three-way light switch and he laughed. And so BOB destroyed the flormt and he saw that it was good.

8. On the fourth day BOB watched The Simpsons and he didn't work on the Universe at all.

9. On the fifth day BOB created Fire, Water, Air, and George Burns. And he saw that these things were eternal and that no matter how hard he tried he could not get rid of them, so BOB said that it was good enough.

10. On the sixth day BOB created plants. How exciting!

11. On the seventh day BOB rushed to get everything done, and so he created gnus, platypuses, hippopotami, jellyfish, plankton, kangaroos, and two really ugly things that called themselves Atom and Evil.

Chapter 2

1. AND BOB called Atom and Evil humans. And the humans were the only animals that opted for the pain, boredom, frustration, anguish, and questioning of knowing that they existed. That is why BOB first started calling Atom and Evil his worst mistakes,

2. And so to punish Atom and Evil he gave them the commandment never to eat from the prune tree.

3. And at first Atom and Evil didn't mind, but eventually they started having "irregular bowel movements."

4. And no matter what they tried nothing would make the humans feel any better.

5. So finally Evil took the first bite of the prune and she instantly became a woman.

6. And Atom, who was none too bright, didn't notice what happened to Evil, and also partook of the prune fruit. And because Atom ate it second, BOB turned him into a man.

7. And then the two of them realized that, aside from either a fig leaf that always somehow followed them around or occasionally a floating loincloth, that they were stark raving naked.

8. And the two of them copulated far into the night.

9. And in the morning BOB came down on earth and saw the two of them lying down and smoking a cigarette.

10. And BOB said, "What the hell are you two doing now?"

11. And Atom, who I may have mentioned is none too bright, said, "We ate the prunes and it corrected our bowel movements and then we had sex."

12. And then Evil said, "Yes but I didn't eat the prune first."

13. And then BOB said, "For this horrible crime I will curse the earth with Yoko Ono and AIDS and Three's Company and seven year old rapists and old smelly dog poop and Republicans and Nazis and Gary Puckett & the Union Gap.

14. And Atom and Evil were just thankful that BOB didn't kill them.

Chapter 3

1. AND it came to pass that Atom and Evil begat a son and his name was (Michael) Caine. And Caine had a brother and his name was Table.

2. And Satan came to Caine and said, "Why art thou working and toiling in this field?"

3. And Caine, not being the intelligent type, said, "I dunno. Why art I working and toiling in this field?"

4. And Satan asked, "Dost thou partaketh of the fruit that groweth of the field?" To which Caine replied, "What are you talking about?"

5. "Do you get to eat whatever you grow?"

6. "Yep."

7. "O.K. That didn't work. Um . . . do you get paid for your work?"

8. "I dunno. They keep giving me this green paper with a bunch of numbers and picture of some guy in a wig to me. I eat the little papers, but they cause me to have severe cavities."

10. "You know what they say, 'Money is the root canal of all evil.' Which reminds me, Do you have dental plan?"

11. "Caine have no dental plan. Should I start a Union and strike?"

12. "No. You should kill your brother, Table."

13. "O.K. whatever." So Caine killed his brother. Later that night, A Current Affair had a segment on him called "Brotherly Love goes Awry." Caine gave a short interview from his San Quentin jail cell.

14. Satan was not available for any comments on the matter.

Chapter 4

1. IN the thirteenth year of the reign of Schneringer over the empire of the Arvadites, there was a king in the Land of Bubble named Tramodadondon

2. His friends called him Don for short.

3. Don mistakenly thought that he had heard the voice of BOB come to him in a phonograph.

4. He bought himself four thousand and thirty hundred and fifty and seven slaves so that he could build a "Stairway to Heaven."

5. Don was major dweeb.

6. For when the Tower of Bubble had reached the height of Forty thousand cubits, the people of the land started receiving radio transmissions from Texas.

7. And the country music confounded their languages so that there were pronouns, prepositions, adverbial clauses, dangling participles and the subjunctive mood to worry about.

8. In retaliation, the people of the Land of Bubble (the Bubblites), burned off Don's genitals with a torch.

Chapter 5

1. AND it didn't come to pass that this made sense.

2. And Phineas begat Ahamaz, and Ahamaz begat Ibushua, and Ibushua begat Aratuk, and Aratuk begat Habib.

3. And Habib begat Hillchia, and Hillchia begat Phineas, and Phineas begat Fred, and Fred begat Pebbles, and Pebbles begat Simious, and Simious begat Some Guy.

4. And Some Guy begat His Son, and His Son begat Chara-Phleghm, and Chara-Phleghm begat Farrahlolimonsrtogast- ihefnatorrem, and Farrahlolimonsrt- ogastihefnatorrem begat NoWay.

5. And NoWay was a young man of three hundred and thirty and six years when the voice of BOB told him to build an Ark.

6. And NoWay's first response was, "What the hell is an Ark?"

7. To which BOB responded, "An Ark is sort of like a boat only has one of those, um . . . you know, and it has more . . . of those . . . uh . . . Oh, just build a boat."

8. NoWay asked, "How big shall I make it?" hoping that it would only be a small toy for BOB to play with in the bathtub.

9. And BOB said, "Thou shalt make it very large, for I already have a rubber ducky with which to play in the bathtub."

10. "How large, exactly, is 'very large' my lord?"

11. " Thirty thousand cubits, by forty hundred cubits, by three and three eighths cubits."

12. "Woa! That's a very large boat!"

13. And so NoWay built the boat, and then christened the vessel "Monkey Business"

14. And the voice of BOB came again unto NoWay saying, "Thou shalt now gather up three of every living thing, of every fish and every fowl and every thing that creepeth upon the earth and everything that cheweth their own cud and then mooeth.

15. And ye shall gather three of these, one male, one female, and one future cruise cuisine."

16. And NoWay said, "How shalt I tell apart the male and female mosquito?"

17. And BOB said, "Just do it, you pinhead!!! Don't bother me with trivialities!!!!"

Chapter 6

1. AND so NoWay went out to PetsMart© and purchased the beasts for thirty pieces of silver. NoWay kept the receipt in the hopes that BOB would reimburse him.

2. Then NoWay placed the animals onto the boat from which point on the boat stank like hell.

3. And NoWay's neighbor's started complaining and the had NoWay thrown into jail for disturbing the peace.

4. And so NoWay and his family moved to another community to the east, where the locals took his wife and three daughters and burned them for being witches.

5. And NoWay was fired from his job because he stanketh a great stench. Yea even an odor so unbobly that he had to move into a leper colony.

6. And forty-seven years passed when NoWay finally prayed unto BOB saying, "I have built the boat as thou hast asked. Yea, even I have gathered the animals of every kind as thou hast asked. Now may I ask something, O BOB, why did I do all of this?"

7. And BOB replied saying, "I can't believe you actually did that! Man, you are so gullible. What a joke!"

8. So NoWay lit the boat on fire and then hanged himself.

Chapter 7

1. AND it came to pass that there was a man named Jonias.

2. And Jonias had no son (for he wert a homosexual)

3. And Jonias prayed unto BOB, saying, "Send me a son for thy faithful and obedient servant is lonely and has no heir and no to wash the dishes."

4. And BOB said, "Get thee a wife and then shall I give thee a ray of son-shine" (BOB is quite a punster if I may say so myself).

5. And the next day Jonias cried unto BOB holding aloft (and maybe even brandishing) a butter knife, and he said, "I have followed thy command and got a knife. Shall I now have still now son."

6. And BOB, being the generous guy that he is, caused Jonias to give birth to twin sons . . . after about thirty hours of labor and a swift cut from the surgeon's knife.

7. And Jonias thanked BOB for this wonderful and miraculous blessing in a long and tedious prayer that is not printed here.

8. And BOB took pity on Jonias, who was obviously a raving lunatic, and struck him with a lightening bolt.

Chapter 8

1. MEANWHILE, back on the ranch, Abe "The Profit" Raham was in his twilight years, being 936 years old. When, his 32nd wife, Sarieninaihah (who was only thirteen) gave birth to Abe's first child.

2. And they named the child Immsik, because that is exactly what his mother saidWhen, his 32nd wife, Sarieninaihah (who was only thirteen) gave birth to Abe's first child.

2. And they named the child Immsik, because that is exactly what his mother said when she found out that she was pregnant. (I'm sick!)

3. And Immsik grew up to be a bright young boy in the eyes of BOB, until one day . . .

4. The voice of BOB came to Abe saying, "Thou shalt go to Mount Cyanide and kill thy only son Immsik with a rusty eggbeater all while chanting my name and eating a Twinkie© with mustard on it."

5. And Abe said, "Art thou just pulling my leg, like thou didst to poor NoWay?"

6. And suddenly a bolt of lightening hit the ground between Abe's feet.

7. And Abe called for his son, Immsik.

8. And Abe said unto Immsik, "Why don't we travel to that uninhabited mountain thirty-seven miles yonder and whip us up a batch of scrambled eggs."

9. And Immsik, who was a bright young boy in the eyes of BOB, said, "Thou must be mad old man!"

10. And so Immsik bound his son with ropes and strong chord and gagged him and dragged him all the way to Mount Cyanide on a camel.

11. And Immsik was scared, for he knew the mind of BOB and it had a sick sense of humor.

12. Abe dragged Immsik to the top of the mountain when finally Abe's senses caught up to him (they didn't have a camel to ride on)

13. And Abe cried unto BOB saying, "This is sick! This is disgusting! I will Not eat this Twinkie© with mustard upon it."

14. And BOB said, "That's O.K. Just make sure the cadaver is nice and frothy before you're done with it."

Chapter 9

1. AND there was once a man in the Boblands whose name was Samsonite, for he was named after his parent's luggage.

2. And Samsonite was a Deadhead, and he followed the Grateful Dead everywhere on tour (yeah they were touring even back then).

3. And Samsonite had never cut his hair (or shaved his face or taken a shower or washed his clothes or changed his underwear) and Samsonite thought that this had given him incredible strength.

4. And Samsonite knew that he could never cut his hair or he would lose his strength. He could, however wear a black Greek fisherman's hat, which he did a lot.

5. Anyway, Samsonite drove into Mesopotamia in his VW Bug Van when he nearly ran over this young yuppie female lawyer, named Gretchen (it sounds better than Delilah to me)

6. So Gretchen then sued Samsonite, who unfortunately had fallen in love with her.

7. And the week after the trial, after Samsonite had lost most of his possessions in order to pay the fine was accidentally shot to death by the police while he was breaking into Gretchen's condo.

8. And the coroner, who was Gretchen's brother-in-law, shaved Samsonite's head just out spite.

9. The moral of this story is that dental hygiene is very important. You should see your dentist at least twice a year.

Chapter 10

1. A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . .

2. Just kidding.

3. Anyway, there were these three guys and their names were Shamrock, Misha, & Indigo.

4. And the king, who reigned in the land, Nucleargeezer, sent forth proclamation declaring that every forty seven minutes all the subjects of the land must genuflect and grovel to the black velvet painting of Elvis that really cries.

5. And SM&I would not bow down to the black velvet painting of Elvis that really cries because they had back problems.

6. And Nucleargeezer was very wroth at the three of them and he said to his servant, "Bind them to tiny European bicycle seats and force them to watch Three's Company."

7. And SM&I were sore afraid and they did weep.

8. But Nucleargeezer changed his mind before the servant could get around to doing anything about it.

9. So they all lived happily ever after.

Chapter 11

1. ONCE upon a time, there was a man named Joshua, and for some reason he wanted to destroy the city of Jericho.

2. So Joshua prayed unto BOB asking him how he could most easily do this.

3. And BOB asked him why.

4. And Joshua told BOB that it was none of his business why he wanted to destroy Jericho.

5. And so BOB told Joshua that the easiest way to destroy the city is to march around the town for three and a half hours with his ghetto blaster blaring, "Inna Gadda Davita" by Iron Butterfly at 11:00. p.m.

6. The first three times that Joshua tried this he was arrested by the Jericho Police.

7. The fourth time Joshua tried this he collapsed from nausea at having to hear that song one more time.

8. But like they say, fifth time's a charm. And the walls of Jericho came a-tumblin' down, crushing Joshua to death.

9. Which is what you get for telling BOB that something isn't any of his business.

Exit This

Chapter 1

1. AND it came to pass that there was a woman living in the land of Aroma.

2. And she had just given birth to a bright babbling blonde bouncing baby boy, whom she named Morris.

3. And at about this same time, the Farrow (King-like thing) of the land Aroma was ordering out for Chinese food.

4. For the Farrow thought that putting as mush MSG in his body as possible would help preserve him once he became a pyramid hopping mummy man.

5. And the Farrow was also a very superstitious man who believed strongly in the Tao, Palm Reading and his lucky Magic 8 Ball.

9. And then the Farrow opened his fortune cookie. which read: "It would behoove you to kill as many people whose name starts with the letter M."

10. Of course the guy who put that message into the fortune cookie (George) was only trying to get back at his wife (Martha) and didn't really expect anyone to actually take the note seriously.

11. Unfortunately the Farrow took the note very seriously and the next day there was a decree issued throughout the land saying: "Everyone whose first initial is M, is now cordially invited to get slaughtered at 7:00 p.m. tomorrow. Black tie is required. Please R.S.V.P."

12. Finally we get back to Morris and his mother. Anyway Morris's mom was worried about what would happen to her son.

13. So she decided that rather than never seeing her child again, she decided to put her child into a tuppperware dish, and set that floating down the Nila River, where he would be safe and she would never see him again.

Chapter 2

1. SEVERAL days later, the Farrow's daughter was taking her yearly bath when she suddenly saw a small object floating down the river, Nila.

2. You'll never guess what it was.

3. You're right! It was a discarded Coke© can.

4. And Farrow's daughter picked up the can and threw it with all of her might. When it landed it made neither a thump nor a crash nor bang, but rather a Waaaaaaaaaaah!!!! kind of sound.

5. And Farrow looked and she saw a tiny baby wrapped in sweltering clothes and lying in a tupperware. It was Morris (well, I had to tie him back into the story somehow).

6. The Farrow's daughter (how come I keep thinking about this dumb joke every time I write those words?) was a militant lesbian, but like Jonias before her, she desperately wanted a son.

7. So Farrow's daughter got down on her knees and thanked BOB for this blessed miracle.

8. And BOB said, "Don't thank me. Thank Morris's mother." but I digress.

Chapter 3

1. Morris was raised in the Farrow's New York penthouse suite by very kind servants and concubines.

2. Until one day, Morris asked Farrow's daughter, "Are you my mommy?"

3. To which Farrow's daughter could but say, "No. Your mother is."

4. And Morris knew, at the tender age of seven, that he had to help free his people, who had no labor organization.

5. Morris continued to live quietly in his adopted home, despite the occasional squabble with his half-brother, who happened to look like Kojak (or maybe even Yul Bryner).

6. Then on his seventeenth birthday, when Morris finally considered himself to be a man, he marched right into Farrow's office and said, "Free my people!"

7. And Farrow, who was hard of hearing said, "Freida Maples? What the hell are you talking about my boy?"

8. And then Farrow slumped back in his chair and died.

9. He kicked the bucket.

10. He passed on.

11. He expired.

12. He gave up the ghost.

13. Well anyway, he's dead. So now Morris's bald half brother steps in and takes over the keys of the Farrowship.

Chapter 4

1. AGAIN Morris walked in to Farrow's office (it was a different Farrow this time however) and very slowly and deliberately said, "Let my people go."

2. And Farrow, who still held a grudge said, "No."

3. "Please?"

4. "No."

5. "Pretty please!"

6. "No."

7. "With sugar on top?"

8. "Make me."

9. "I will."

10. So Morris stormed off, trying to think of a way to force Farrow to let his people out. Suddenly there before Morris stood a flaming blue spatula.

11. From within the blue spatula came the voice of BOB saying, "Remove thy left shoe."

12. And Morris, rather puzzled, asked, "Why?"

13. And BOB said, "Like Bad Company once sang, 'You're walking on sacred ground.'"

14. And then BOB instructed Morris to take a stick from the following tree and return to the Farrow and force seven plagues onto the land Aroma until Farrow gave in to his demands.

Chapter 5

1. And Morris went and did as his BOB commanded him.

2. And there were seven plagues. The first was a swarm of ducks. And ducks filled the Farrow's lawn. And ducks did inhabit all surfaces of water including kitchen sinks and toilet bowls.

3. And the Farrow's red Porsche was encrusted with duck droppings. And the price of down pillows dropped dramatically.

4. And still the Farrow's heart was hardened (that's what happens when you have to much cholesterol).

5. And the second plague was chronic runny noses. And everyone in the land of Aroma was sniffling and blowing all the time. So there was no quiet.

6. And there was a shortage of Kleenex in the land, so the people used towels and toilet paper and the back of their hand and their down comforters and their shirt tails.

7. And all of the noses in the land were of great scarlet like unto that of a wino.

8. And yet the Farrow would still not let the people go.

9. And the third plague was that everyone had the Jeopardy© think song stuck in their heads. And no one could speak one with another for they were all humming.

10. Attempts at conversation all trailed off into choruses of "doo-dee-doo doot doot doo-dee-doo"

11. And all motions, including those of farming and typing and painting and making love, were all done to the same rhythm.

12. And yet the Farrow would not let Morris & Co. go.

Chapter 6

1. FOURTHLY, there was a plague of the rain of urine.

2. For weeks gallons of foul smelling yellow liquid poured out of the skies, and made it impossible to bathe in the river, Nila.

3. And the drinking water was not fit for consumption by a dog.

4. But still Farrow was being a selfish little pig.

5. And then there was fifth plague, the plague of Dali.

6. And all of the watches and other timepieces in the land started melting off of their owner's wrists.

7. And buildings suddenly became as solid as melted butter. And large twigs had to be used in order to keep the buildings standing.

8. And all the moustaches in the land started looking like eight inch staples turned upward.

9. And still the Farrow acted like a little snot.

10. And the sixth plague was the curse of the Spam©.

11. And all of the meat in the land turned mysteriously into Spam©.

12. And not only did all of the beef and ham magically transform and/or metamorphose into canned mystery meat, but soon all the fruits and vegetables in the land were turned into Spam© too.

13. In fact anything that was even placed on a plate was made into the nasty stuff.

14. And despite the fact that his whole country was starving, Farrow still wouldn't let Morris's people out to play.

Chapter 7

1. AND it came to pass that it was time for the seventh and final plague, the plague of the angel of deaf.

2. And the angel deaf went around door to door and every place that didn't have a mailbox shaped like a little barn, the first born male child would go hard of hearing.

3. And when the Farrow's son (the ex-Farrow's daughter's nephew) started having hearing loss, the Farrow wept.

4. But still the Farrow wouldn't let Morris's people go.

5. And Morris didn't know what to do seeing as he only knew seven plagues.

6. And BOB came unto Morris saying, "Why don't you get all of the people together and charge the gates."

7. And Morris said, "What a great idea boss!"

8. And so Morris gather to together all of his people, who are all kind of upset at Morris for they all had to eat Spam© too.

9. And they attacked the gates and they came a-tumblin' down. And then they started wandering around in the forest.

Chapter 8

1. And the people of Morris (or the Morrisons as they are now called) were wondering out in the jungle for about three months and living off of this Manna brand unleavened bread.

2. And BOB came unto Morris saying, "Let's go up to Mount Cyanide and have a little chat."

3. And so Morris left his people alone for a little while and climbed the mountain.

4. And once Morris had come to the summit (or peak) BOB said, "Morris let me be straight with you, your people are a bunch of morons."

5. And Morris said, "I know my Lord, what can we do about it?"

6. "Give them a set of strict and difficult rules until it gets to the point where they become afraid to even sneeze."

7. "Great idea. Do you have any rules with you right now?"

8. "As a matter of fact, I do." and then BOB produced seven slabs of rock each weighing approximately 1/4 ton. On them were written the commandments (which appear later on in this book).

9. And Morris then made some crayon rubbings of the tablets. and brought them off of the mountain to his people.

10. And when he returned, he saw that his people had held a party while he was gone, and now they were all doing stupid stuff like bungee jumping and worshiping the young Elvis stamp.

11. And so Morris grounded all of them for a month.

Chapter 9

1. And after forty-seven years of wondering around in the woods, Morris finally had his last piece of Manna and then died.

2. And so the people went back to Farrow and the land of Aroma, because they never really wanted to leave in the first place.

The Commandments

Chapter 1

1. Thou shalt not kill thy mother, for it would deprive your father of the chance.

2. Thou shalt not covet any graven images . . . something like that anyway.

3. Thou shalt not take the name BOB in vain. Unbelievers will either laugh inconsiderately at you, or they will stare blankly at you.

4. Thou shalt not think that Garfield is funny.

5. Thou shalt not expose your genitalia to your high school administration on the third Thursday of the month.

6. Thou shalt not pay much for a muffler at Meineke.

7. Thou shalt not set flags of Greenland on fire, they are very rare and valuable.

8. Thou shalt not do your younger sister's math homework.

9. Thou shalt not watch Claude Van Damme movies.

10. Thou shalt not eat papaya in the dark during the winter months with a group of seventeen midget monks.

11. Thou shalt not do satire.

12. Thou shalt not yell the word "not" at the end of the sentence where it doesn't grammatically belong.

13. Thou shalt not send 3,330,000 volts of electricity into your grandmother's body, for she may disinherit you.

14. Thou shalt not listen to albums by Gem or Barbie and The Rockers.

15. Thou shalt not commit suicide, or else BOB will have to kill you.

16. Thou shalt not rap.

17. Thou shalt not play S&M games with your sister unless you use officially sanctioned BOB© brand leather underwear and handcuffs.

18. Thou shalt not in any way support Tom Cruise.

19. Thou shalt not read Andy Rooney for he is a KKK member.

20. Thou shalt not videotape hippopotami mating, for that is not only disgusting and pathetic but it is also dangerous.

21. Thou shalt not make love whilst listening to Yoko Ono albums.

22. Thou shalt not vote for Sonny Bono.

23. Thou shalt not marry Elizabeth Taylor.

24. Thou shalt not recite shampoo ingredients at three in the morning in Cleveland unless you are accompanied by a troll named Al.

25. Thou shalt not at anytime play the bagpipes.

26. Thou shalt not try to be cute by dotting your i's and j's with little hearts.

27. Thou shalt not call anyone "Sugarbums."

28. Thou shalt not have elective surgery of any kind, because it is vein.

29. Thou shalt not try any of this at home. We are trained professionals.

30. Thou shalt not swallow your bubblegum.

31. Thou shalt not stick thy genitals into a light socket.

32. Thou shalt not tug on Superman's cape.

33. Thou shalt not spit in the wind.

34. Thou shalt not pull the mask on that old Lone Ranger.

35. Thou shalt not mess around with BOB.

36. Thou shalt not try to rhyme rutabaga with studabaker in a poem, unless thou art willing to face the consequences of your stupid and thoughtless actions.

37. Thou shalt not consume more than twenty-seven twinkies in less than half an hour (for your own protection).

38. Thou shalt not travel over Mach 10 in a 35 MPH zone, there will almost always be a cop waiting.

39. Thou shalt not get excited about the Olympics.

40. Thou shalt not have school spirit.

41. Thou shalt not be an extra in "Police Academy 8: The Same Old Jokes Again!"

42. Thou shalt not set your neighbor's plastic pink flamingos on fire, thou would probably get sued thou dost that.

43. Thou shalt not eat tofu on Fridays in order to show your respect to BOB, and also because it tastes nasty, Friday or not.

44. Thou shalt not transform the entire population of New York City into eggplants.

45. Thou shalt not say p'sketti instead of spaghetti.

46. Thou shalt not take my Kodachrome away.

47. Thou shalt not divide by zero.

48. Thou shalt not in any way understand Finnegan's Wake by James Joyce.

49. Thou shalt not own any "My other car is a . . . " bumper stickers.

50. Thou shalt not like Garth Brooks just because all of your other friends do.

51. Thou shalt not live in Taos, New Mexico, voluntarily.

52. Thou shalt not remember where you left the car keys.

53. Thou shalt not name your cat Tiger. It is too cliched.

54. Thou shalt not drown your goldfish, O.K.?

55. Thou shalt not write an opera posthumously unless your name is Punjabi Mezzlecrik, Jr.

56. Thou shalt not follow stupid meaningless rules.

57. Thou shalt not attack a tribe of sleeping headhunters single-handedly and unarmed.

58. Thou shalt not bring up your Pac-Man scores in casual conversation.

59. Thou shalt not stick Parcheesi pieces up your nose and then run around your house yelling, "I am a watermelon! I am a watermelon!"

60. Thou shalt not accidentally open the lion's cage at the zoo and then forget to tell anyone.

61. Thou shalt not fill your bathtub with pistachio pudding and then try to drown your cat in it.

62. Thou shalt not send large sums of money to people you don't know in Beverly Hills who say that they can make you a millionaire overnight.

63. Thou shalt not speak without first raising thy hand.

64. Thou shalt not commit adulthood.

65. Thou shalt not step on my blue suede shoes

66. Thou shalt not infringe on other people's copyrights without express written permission.

67. Thou shalt not hate thy neighbor as thyself, unless of course your neighbor borrows your lawnmower, and doesn't return it for three months. And during this time he breaks it and yet does not tell you when he does eventually return it. Then thou shalt hate thy neighbor even as thou hate your spouse.

68. Thou shalt not stick dog doo in between your younger brother's toes while he is sleeping.

69. Thou shalt not eat at Denny's© as long as they have the Corlick sisters as their spokespersons.

70. Thou shalt not risk more then $13.42 on Wall Street or Vegas.

71. Thou shalt not do anything anyone tells you to, unless of course you want to.

72. Thou shalt not purchase any calculators that are any more than three times smarter than yourself.

73. Thou shalt not shave thy head, grease thy naked body, place a rubber glove over thy scalp, and then slide around the linoleum floors yelling, "I am an octopus. Love me."

74. Thou shalt not turn left on red at Kipling and Ralston.

75. Thou shalt not censor the EastEnd.

76. Thou shalt not forget to lift the seat at home.

77. Thou shalt not wear bell-bottom jeans and butterfly collars unless specifically instructed to do so.

78. Thou shalt not burn thy lawn.

79. Thou shalt not work at Taco Bell in August if thy middle name begins with the letters Q-X.

80. Thou shalt not be redundant.

81. Thou shalt not be redundant.

82. Thou shalt not partake of thy father's black shoe polish orally.

83. Thou shalt not wade through six feet of tiger blood in boxer shorts without first gaining written permission from the Pope.

84. Thou shalt not lip-sync.

85. Thou shalt not repeatedly drive a dumb joke into the ground until everyone around you wishes you to be dead.

86. Thou shalt not start every sentence with the same three words.

87. Thou shalt not eat raw fish . . . it leads to singing at Karaoke Bars.

88. Thou shalt not multiply two cubed with eleven.

89. Thou shalt not run by the pool.

90. Thou shalt not do what you want to do.

91. Thou shalt just not, O.K.?

Jorsheth,

the Minor Prophet

Chapter 1

1. Jorsheth was a minor prophet. He probably said something important, but nobody can remember what it was. And then he died.

Psalm Trees

Chapter 1

1. God is BOB,

2. BOB is god,

3. BOB is Love,

4. Love is BOB,

5. Grass is green,

6. Green is grass,

7. Why am I here?

8. Please don't ask!

Chapter 2

1. Oh, what tangled webs we weave

2. when first we practice lying.

Chapter 3

1. There once was a god named BOB,

2. Running the world was his job,

3. if someone would disobey,

4. BOB would make him pay,

5. I like eating corn on the cob.

Chapter 4

1. Roses are red

2. Violets aren't red.

3. Obey BOB

4. or else . . .

Chapter 5

1. My love for BOB is like a yellow rose.

2. And with some sun it grows and grows

3. The golden sun is also a reflection of BOB.

4. For it shines and strengthens

5. And there are little doves who circle the sun.

6. And they sing a pretty song.

7. And the song is a hymn unto BOB.

8. And I look through my binoculars at the pretty white doves.

9. And I think to myself,

10. "The binoculars are just like BOB too,

11. For they amplify and enlarge everything you look at."

12. And it was such an amazing thought

13. That I thought to write it down

14. But when I looked around I saw a memo pad.

15. And the Post-it© notes are just like the word of BOB

16. For they too are bright and stick to your heart.

17. And I took a walk outside

18. And I stepped into some dog doo

19. And the dog doo is just like BOB, because

20. Sometimes BOB can be soft and yielding and forgiving

21. But when you make him mad BOB can be as hard as a rock.

22. And also outside was a dead bird that my cat had chewed on.

23. And I thought, "This too is like BOB."

Chapter 6

1. When I was young my mother used to say to me,

2. "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

3. But now that I am older BOB has said to me,

4. "You can catch more flies with manure, than with either one of the other two.

5. I wonder what kind of moron tried catching flies with vinegar in the first place?

6. Besides, who wants to catch flies anyway?"

Chapter 7

1. BOB means so much to me because he is my light.

2. BOB means so much to me because he gives me might.

3. BOB means so much to me because he's always right.

4. BOB means so much to me because he sleeps at night.

5. BOB means so much to me because he helps me fight.

6. BOB means so much to me because he guides my kite.

7. BOB means so much to me because he is this height.

8. BOB means so much to me because he is so bright.

9. BOB means so much to me because he is life's bite

10. BOB means so much to me because he gave me sight.

11. BOB means so much to me because he's not uptight.

12. BOB means so much to me because he's never trite.

13. BOB means so much to me because his beard is white.

Chapter 8

1. Yes. Yes. Yes.

2. Because he is the . . .

3. HANDGRENADE *******

4. (none but the

5. STars & stRIpes 4ether

6. )

Chapter 9

1. To every season (Turn, Turn, Turn) there is a reason (Turn, Turn, Turn). And a time to every thing under heaven

2. A time to mourn and a time to die.

3. A time to castrate your brother with a sharpened willow branch.

4. A time gather stones and a time to cast away stones and a time to do a PBS documentary on stones and a time to listen to "Exile on Main Street" by the Rolling Stones and a time to get stoned and a time to stone a witch to death.

The Fifth Book of: Kings

Chapter 1

1. ONCE upon a time there was a man named Occupation (but his friends call him "Job").

2. And Job was a straightforward and righteous man in the sight of BOB, even though he had a bit of trouble with the 81st and 82nd commandments.

3. And Satan came unto BOB saying, "I bet you that I can get Job to curse your name."

4. And then BOB said, "Yeah, I bet you probably can."

5. And Satan said, "Don't you want to bet me on this one?"

6. And BOB said, "Why the hell (pun intended) should I bet with you? I already own the universe and I could create another one if I had to."

7. "Well, watch me make Job curse your name anyway."

8. "O.K."

Chapter 2

1. AND it came to pass that Satan tested Job through many sore and trying physical afflictions.

2. And Satan caused Job to have hemorrhoids on his fore head, and Job did itch under his fingernails and deep in his colon.

3. And Job had a constant stream of pus running from his ears, and Job's eyeballs got stuck in the back of his head, so that all he could see was the inside of his skull.

4. And Job had paper cuts where men usually don't have paper cuts.

5. And still Job loved his BOB and prayed to him every night.

6. So Satan tested Job with attacks of every kind.

7. Job's two year old son lodged a pencil so far up Job's nose that there were none who could find it.

8. And Job was bitten by a piranha that some how got itself into Job's toilet bowl.

9. And a stray cannonball from a distant siege caved in Job's shoulder blade.

10. And Job's best friend accidentally rammed a totem pole into his chest.

11. And indeed, thirteen times in less than seven hours did wasps' nest fall on Job's head.

12. And still Job would not curse BOB.

Chapter 3

1. AND Satan tried to worry and stress Job to death.

2. First he caused the lady that Job used to baby-sit his kids to tattoo a swastika on her forehead.

3. Then he caused Job's brakes to momentarily fail. Yea, and he caused that Job's seatbelt was cut in twain.

4. And Job's favorite TV show (The Simpsons) was threatened with cancellation.

5. And then Job learned that seven of his ex-girlfriends had just come down with a deadly sexually transmitted disease. And Job was being audited by the IRS.

6. And what fretted Job most was that Dan Quayle was made vice-president under the king in the land, who alas had unsteady health.

7. And still Job would not curse BOB.

8. And then Satan tried to embarrass Job into quitting Bobism all together.

9. And first Job grew a rather attractive pair of women's breasts.

10. And then Job skin slowly turned into the color of split pea soup, so that none of his clothes matched anymore.

11. And Job became uncontrollably hyper-flatulent.

12. And Job, instead of trees, was suddenly every dog's best friend, so as Job stanketh a great stench even unto the stench of NoWay's ark.

13. And it was rumored (untruthfully) that Job liked country music, and so even his closest friends started avoiding him.

14. And still Job loved BOB even though he was no longer allowed in the churches.

Chapter 4

1. AND again Satan tried testing Job, this time with mental torture.

2. And first Job started seeing Elvis in everything that he looked at. And Job could no longer do his job because all of the little numbers and letters looked like fat sneering sideburned faces.

3. And Job became a split personality, and one of his selves was a prostitute, and another one was Hitler.

4. Job forget all of his multiplication tables.

5. And yet Job would not be swayed.

6. And finally Satan played his trump card, forcing Job to watch not only all of the episodes of Three's Company, but also all of the episodes of the short lived spin-off series (about what happened to Jack Tripper after he got married, co-starring William Aames and Gordon Jump) called Two's A Crowd.

7. And then Job said unto BOB, "You fucking shit head!!! How could you let that happen to me? I spit on thee."

8. And suddenly a lightening bolt came out of the clear blue sky, killing Job instantly.

Chapter 5

1. AND several years later than came a man out of land of Bloohemia named Flortersch, and he begat a son named Dave.

2. And when Dave was about six, he brought a picnic basket out to his grandmother's house where his country was at war.

3. On his way to grandma's house, Dave encountered a large hairy wolf but the wolf didn't say anything because he was suffering indigestion from eating a woodcutter the night before.

4. But anyway, when Dave got out to the battlefield/grandma's house, he saw a terrible

5. sight, for the other team had a giant man out there challenging any to come and fight him one on one.

6. And the giant's name was Goliath (I couldn't think of anything funnier)

7. Dave being a spritely young chap said, "Let me go out there with no armor and just a slingshot for weaponry and let me face this plate-mailed, speer-wheeling, 7' 10", 530 lbs. grown man in a fair fight."

8. And everyone, thinking that Dave was insane, said, "Sure."

9. And plucky young Dave took a couple of stones, stuck them into his sling, walked up to Goliath, and threw one rock at the giant.

10. The projectile bounced off of Goliath and the man did nothing but laugh.

11. Dave then threw the second and the third rocks, but they were equally ineffective. So Goliath started to advance towards the boy.

12. And Dave, who made up in speed what he lacked in common sense, ran away and was not heard from again in another fourteen years.

Chapter 6

1. BUT fourteen years later, Dave did re-emerge and, through not fault of his own, quickly became the successor of the king.

2. So he was hanging out on the roof of his palace when he saw a naked lady bathing in the distance.

3. And her name was Bath-Sheeba, for she liked to bathe frequently.

4. And Dave leaned over to get a closer look and he accidentally slipped, fell off of the palace, and broke his back.

5. Later, in the intensive care ward of the hospital, Dave and Bath-Sheeba got married.

6. And nine months later Bath-Sheeba gave birth to a son whom they named Salamander.

7. And Salamander was a child prodigy just like "Little Man Tate", and so they called him Salamander the Wise.

8. And Salamander, like most princes, inherited his kingdom from his father when his father died.

9. And Salamander was a wise king (they didn't call him "The Wise" for nothing you know) and so he always ended up judging these really weird legal cases.

10. Once there was this woman who hired this hit man to kill the mother of her daughter's closest rival on the cheerleading squad.

11. And Salamander, being so wise, decided to chop the one daughter in two, and whoever gave the better funeral for their half of the daughter, would have to pay a fine of $10,000.00.

12. Salamander may have been wise, but he was also a bit eccentric.

Chapter 7

1. AND came to pass that there was this man named Jonah-nah-nah hey jude, or maybe it's just Jonah (no one's quite sure).

2. Well, this Jonah guy had a real active imagination. During his teens and early twenties, Jonah pretended to be a profit of BOB.

3. Then, in his twenty-fourth year, Jonah disappeared for three days.

4. It has been said that he may have been visited a brothel in a neighboring town, or he may have just been wondering about in the woods and then hit his head on branch and just didn't regain consciousness for seventy-eight hours.

5. Either way, when Jonah returned, he started telling this outrageous lie about how BOB had put him in the belly of a whale for three days to punish him for his sins.

6. And somehow, the digestive juices didn't effect him, and then the Whale happened to go up on this very same beach to vomit him up again.

7. Nobody (not even Jonah's mother) believed him, so they locked him up at Mt. Airy psychiatric center.

Chapter 8

1. ANOTHER story entirely: there was once this man named Jerry.

2. And Jerry must have got around a lot for he had not one nor two but thirteen sons.

3. And Jerry's kids were named Rueben Sandwich, Is-That-A-Car?, Gag, Nebulon, Ashen, Dad, Napa Valley, Similar, Levi's Jeans, Jew-duh, Benji, Joseth, and Albert.

4. And BOB came unto Jake saying, "Thou hast enough children to be country, but if you want to be your own city-state your going to have to come up with a better name than Jerry."

5. So Jerry renamed himself Izrael.

6. And Izrael loved his son, Joseth, more than the others, and so on Joseth's 17th birthday, Joseth received a blue and white polka-dotted shirt from the Gap©.

7. And this ticked off Joseth's dozen brothers, for they were still sporting loincloths.

8. At first they wanted to kill Joseth, who was also having these weird dreams about, midgets dancing and talking backwards.

9. But then they decided the most Capitalist and BOB-like thing to do is to sell their brother to the Japanese, and then tell their father that he died.

10. And that's just what they did.

Chapter 9

1. AND so Joseth came to be working for this one man named Hia Kwon Twong.

2. And Hia's wife, Hae Won, was into this interracial thing with trios and other weird stuff.

3. And Joseth didn't want to sleep with Hae Won because he knew that he would probably get fired (also, she was butt ugly).

4. So Hae Won called America's Most Wanted and got Joseth arrested as the Massachusetts Hatchet Lover. The two did bear a striking resemblance.

5. And Joseth found himself in prison, where also was imprisoned a butler and a cook.

6. And word got around the prison that Joseth could interrupt dreams, so the cook, the thief, the wife, and the lover . . . oops, wrong story. The cook and the butler each had a dream. And they wanted Joseth to interrupt it for them.

7. And the cook said unto Joseth, "My dream was thus: I dreamed that three days from now my former employer, the Farrow, forgave me and gave me my job back. What do you think it means?"

8. And Joseth said "I think it means that in three days the Farrow will forgive you and then re-employ you."

9. And then the butler said unto Joseth, "I dreamed that three days from now my former employer, the Farrow, said that he forgave and then he invited me to his pyramid, but when I got there a bunch of tough men grabbed and at the orders of the Farrow, threw me into a pit of ravenous piranhas."

10. And Joseth said, "I think it means that in three days the Farrow will forgive you and then re-employ you."

11. And then three days later both the cook and the butler were invited to the pyramid and were never heard from again.

12. And the prison wardens were so impressed by Joseth's amazing ability to interrupt dreams, that they promoted him from inmate to Police chief.

Chapter 10

1. AND it came to pass that several years later, the Farrow (not the same one in Exit This) was having a bad dream.

2. And the Farrow called unto his butler saying, "I have just had a bad dream. Call together all of the smart people in the land and ask them to interrupt for me."

3. And so the butler called up Joseth and asked him to interrupt the Farrow's dream.

4. And Joseth appeared at the pyramid and was immediately ushered into throne room.

5. And Farrow said unto Joseth, "Interrupt this dream if you can. There I am, in my underwear and I'm going to church.

6. And while I am at church, my mother, who has been dead for five years comes up to me and whispers in my ears the words 'blue spaghetti'.

7. Suddenly I am riding this dinosaur and some how I know that I have to get to the K-Mart in 27 minutes.

8. But no matter how hard I try, the dinosaur won't turn right. So in the end I am eating this chocolate bunny and right when I got to the eyes, I woke up. So Joseth what do you think it means?"

9. And Joseth said, "I think it means that it's time for you to forgive your father for running out on your mother when you were just five."

10. And Farrow said, "Oh yes it's true. I'm so sorry daddy. Please forgive me. Mama! Mama!"

11. And then the Farrow fell into Joseth's lap weeping.

12. And so Farrow put Joseth in charge of welfare and foreign aid.

Chapter 11

1. NOW in the country/house of Izreal, Joseth's dozen brothers were starving to death because of a famine (well, why did you think that they were starving to death? for fun?)

2. And one of the brothers, I think it was Napa Valley, said, "Why don't we go to Japan and apply for some welfare?"

3. So the next day, they flew to Japan on a camel, and came to Joseth's office.

4. And the brothers recognized not Joseth, for he had grown a beard.

5. And Joseth decided to play a little trick on his siblings, and so he arrested them for insurance, tax, welfare, and Sigmund fraud.

6. While they were in prison that thirteen months, they were all tortured, particularly Benji.

7. And then Joseth released them and they all had a warm, happy reunion. That night during dinner the baker's dozen of them decided to kill their father and then divide the kingdom into twelve equal parts (Albert didn't want to own part of a country, but really wanted to be a street mime.)

8. So Joseth finally got to return to his home, and the brothers even let him stick the first dagger into the body of their father.

The Gospel According to:

St. Bernard

Chapter 1

1. AND it came to pass that there was a woman named, Martha, and even though she was betrothed she had known no man (in other words, she was a prude).

2. Then a ministering archangel, named Mike, came unto Martha saying, "Lo! Woman thou art most blessed above all other babes for thou art great withe BOB's love child."

3. And Martha said but how can this be for I have known no man, least of all BOB?"

4. And Mike said, "Behold, BOB came to you while you were sleeping and then he forgot to use the immaculate contraception. So now thou art blessed."

5. And Martha said, "Blessed my ass! (she was referring to her donkey) Waking up every morning to vomit! Spending hours in labor! All so I can raise some spoiled little brat who thinks he is greatest miracle in the world just because his runaway father, who never helped with feeding or changing the little monster, created the BOB damned universe!!!"

6. And Mike said, "Shut up you bitch! Nine months B.B. is no time to think about getting an abortion, so basically you're stuck, babe."

7. And Martha said, "I suppose that The Almighty BOB wants to name the kid, too."

8. And Mike replied, "But of course." and then he took this long parchment out of his holy robes and read:

9. "And his name shall be called Wunnerful, the anti-school Counselor, The mighty BOB, the everlasting Energizer, the prints of piece."

10. And it seemed to Martha that those words, although they were a crappy name, with a little work, could make great song lyrics.

11. And so Martha said, "What if I just call him BOB Jr.?"

12. And Mike said, "Yeah I guess that'll be alright."

Chapter 2

1. AND it came to pass that Martha wed a man by the name Raymond, because she had to marry somebody seeing as she had just been knocked up.

2. And Raymond was a plumber, and when April 14th rolled around, Raymond had still not done his taxes.

3. And it came to pass, that Raymond the plumber, went unto H&R Block, in the town Nazareth, and behold, there was was a multitude outside of the building, and yet Martha was still great with child.

4. But there was no room for them at the tax consultant.

5. And so they pitched a tent outside of the place.

6. And now there were these auto-mechanics, and Lo an angel came unto them and said, "Lo, be thou not afraid. I bring you good tidings of great joy."

7. And the head mechanic said unto the angel that was hovering above him, "Yo, like we ain't afraid of nobody."

8. And then there were this host of angels in the heavens and they were singing, "Purple Haze."

9. And then the angels said unto the auto-mechanics, "Yea, go thee unto the H&R Block next door and under a neon letter B there shall be a tent,and this shall be a sign unto you that in the tent shall there this day be born unto you a holy savior.

10. And then the head mechanic said unto his fellow mechanic, "Let us now depart thence, dudes and see this great miracle come to pass."

11. And when the auto-mechanics came unto the tent they saw a very large Martha screaming like the devil and the saw Raymond unconscious on the floor with a bruise on his head that was about the size and shape of a frying pan.

12. And several days later Martha gave birth to little BOB Jr. and there were halos above their heads and someone painted a picture of it.

Chapter 3

1. AND there were these three and a half wise men, from the East (probably New Jersey), and they brought with them gifts of Frankenstein, incest, and peppermints.

2. And they were following a sign from the heavens, namely that neon letter B.

3. And when the wise men finally did come unto Martha and the holy child, and the first wise man said,

4. "Beware the wrath of King Harry, for he has heard that thou shalt give birth to a child that shalt on day be greater than him, and so he is jealous, and wants to kill him, so you better move to Egypt to protect him."

5. And Martha said unto them, "Art thou pulling my leg?"

6. And the third wise man said, "Yep, you're on Totally Hidden Video."

7. And it came to pass that Martha spit on the three and a half wise men.

Chapter 4

1. AND it came to pass that several years later, BOB Jr. was visiting the university in Iceland. And he was only five years old.

2. And BOB Jr. confounded all of the professors (for they, like most teachers, are morons) and so they expelled him. But BOB Jr. didn't mind because he wasn't even enrolled in college.

3. And BOB Jr. had no friends as a child for he was too different (students are sometimes stupider than teachers) and at the age of seven BOB Jr. wrote his first suicide note.

4. It was written in crayon on the inside of a shoebox lid and it had a little picture of a tombstone underneath it.

5. But BOB Jr. didn't know how to kill anybody, least of all himself, so nothing came of it.

6. And his mother and step-father never saw the note.

Chapter 5

1. WHEN ten years or so had passed, BOB Jr. decided that he wanted to become a martyr when he grew up.

2. And to prepare for his mission he decided to starve himself, alone, in a wilderness.

3. No one was quite sure how watching ants eat more than him would help him any but they let him do it anyway.

4. And BOB Jr. resolved to keep this up for forty days and forty nights (well, could hardly do it for, say, forty days and twenty-eight nights, could he?)

5. And while he was in the wilderness, Satan came unto him and said, "Hey, how's it going?"

6. And BOB Jr. said, "Do you mind?!?!? I'm trying to meditate in solitude here!!"

7. And Satan said, "I'm sorry about this, but I've got a job to do. It's not a bad job. The conditions are terrible and there is next no vacation time, but the pay is pretty good. Anyway, I figured that if I got you to sin it would be a lot easier on me convincing my other clients to do the same."

8. And BOB Jr. said, "I guess you have a point. So what have you got for me?"

9. "I'll give you this Radioactive Man #1, if you'll just give up this ministry right now."

10. "I can't read."

11. "How about a night of total passion alone with Cindy Crawford?"

12. "A night of total passion? I could eat good pasta and watch the Simpsons any time I felt like it. Besides if Cindy Crawford was there she would probably expect me to be a good host and entertain her."

13. "What if I offered you everything ever created?"

14. "My father, BOB, already has everything ever created and all it has given him is an ulcer."

15. And so Satan left BOB Jr. alone in the woods, muttering under his breath.

16. And BOB Jr. stayed an extra day in the wilderness (he forgot to bring his watch.)

Chapter 7

1. And when BOB Jr. left the forest knew that in order to continue his mission, he would need thirteen dedicated souls to be his disciples. People who could organize his schedule, and take his telephone calls and carry him around and peel his grapes and pay for his hotel rooms.

2. And he also had a pretty scraggly beard at this time.

3. So BOB Jr. wondered about the countryside and he ended up in a YMCA basketball court.

4. And there was a man, named Paul. And he was trying to cut down and steal the basketball net.

5. And BOB Jr. called unto Paul saying, "Cast your net into the sea there are bigger fish to catch so come follow me."

6. And this so frightened Paul that he fell off of his ladder and landed on his head.

7. And from that point on Paul was BOB Jr. most devoted servant.

8. And in similar fashion did BOB Jr. gather all of his disciples, most of them having recently received head wounds also.

9. And their names were Valentine, Patrick, Larry, Darryl, Darryl, Bernard (that's me!), Sleepy, Dopey, Moe, John, Paul, George, and Ringo.

Chapter 8

1. AND BOB Jr. walked through the land with us being his roadies and he healed this blind man.

2. Then he healed this lame woman.

3. Then he healed this leper from his runny nose.

4. Then he healed this woman with ingrown toenails.

5. Then he healed this one teenager's case of acne.

6. Then he healed the muffler in this '57 DeSota.

7. Then he healed the Elephant Man.

8. Hell, he just healed a lot of people.

Chapter 9

1. And still the Sadducees hated BOB Jr. (for they were "sad you see"? Ha-Ha.) not really they hated him, because like all intellectuals, they were jealous.

2. And they tried to stump BOB Jr. by asking, "Who's face is on this one dollar bill?"

3. And BOB Jr. said, "It's George Washington."

4. And the crowd was amazed, but the Sadducees walked away vowing to get him next time.

5. And BOB Jr. walked out to this mound of dirt and he did stand atop it, and he began to preach.

6. And he said: "Blessed are the cheese makers for theirs is the dairy of heaven.

7. And blessed are the meek for when everyone has either polluted or atom bombed this place into a pile of rubble, and the brave and the wise have moved to some place more hospitable, then shall the meek inherit the Earth.

8. And blessed are they who pick the numbers 2, 4, 5, 11, 17, and 23 in the lotto next week for they shall win $1,000,000.

9. And blessed are they who mourn for they will probably get an inheritance real soon.

10. And blessed are those wearing pacemakers for they cannot ride the roller coaster.

11. And blessed are they who have a lot of money, for they have a lot of money.

12. And BOB Jr. went on rambling like this for several hours.

Chapter 10

1. AND it came to pass that the crowds who had gathered to hear BOB Jr. speak were getting hungry.

2. And BOB Jr. said to his disciples, "What do we have to eat?"

3. And disciples said, "We have but half a stick of chewing gum, some left over tomato soup, a piece of sting, and a small paper clip."

4. And BOB Jr. said, "Well then well just have to make a run for the border."

5. And so we went unto Taco Bell© and ordered 700 soft chicken tacos and 1500 burrito supremes and we charged the whole thing to BOB Jr. who was running up quite a tab.

6. But the cashier guy apparently made a mistake and only charged us $13.42 for the whole thing.

7. And so we all decided that it was a miracle.

Chapter 11

1. AND it came to pass that ten leopards came unto BOB Jr. saying, "Heal us."

2. And BOB Jr., being the nice guy that he is did in fact heal them, by commanding them to wash seventeen times in the river Styx.

3. And only one of the leopards came back to thank him.

4. So he turned the other nine into cottage cheese.

5. And there was this wealthy man who came unto BOB Jr. saying, "I have done all that thou hast asked, what more must I do to enter the kingdom of heaven?"

6. And BOB Jr. said, "You must give up all of your worldly possessions and live like a bum and drink large quantities of alcohol that were left unfinished on street corners and you must contract a venereal disease, and just when you're on the point of dying, get all of your money back, take a long hot shower and then die a week later."

7. And the wealthy man said, "Sure, no problem. Maybe I can even sell my life story to Mel Brooks, who could do a commercially unsuccessful movie about it."

8. And BOB Jr. turned to his disciples and said, "It is easier to get a camel threw U.S. immigration than it is to get a rich man to enter heaven."

9. And we all nodded in silent agreement, because that was our job.

Chapter 12

1. AND the Sadducees were still mad at BOB Jr. and so they conspired to kill him.

2. And to help them they got one of the disciples (I think it was Darryl) to at a secret meeting to point out which one was BOB Jr.

3. I would've thought that the T-shirt that said: "My Father Is A Deity And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" would've been enough of a clue.

4. Anyway, Darryl had to wear a red dress and kiss BOB Jr. on the cheek to point him out to his captors to be, and for this he was paid Thirteen pieces of silver and a Mickey Mantle trading card.

5. And so we all went out to dinner that night, but some guy kept on bugging us about holding still while he painting this picture of us.

6. I would've thought that the name of the painting ("The Last Dinner") would've tipped BOB Jr. off, but he was having too good of a time.

7. And then BOB Jr. turned to me and said, "Before the cock crows tomorrow morning, you will deny me thrice."

8. And I said, "Your wish is my command, O master."

Chapter 13

1. AND behold we came unto the garden of gastronomy.

2. And BOB Jr. said, "I'm going off to pray to father for a while, you guys keep an eye on me O.K.? Especially you in the red dress."

3. And BOB Jr. wondered off into the woods a ways, so we all fell asleep.

4. And when BOB Jr. came back down he awoke us all, so Darryl saw his opportunity, and he kissed BOB Jr. on the cheek.

5. And suddenly a group of strongmen jumped out of the bushes, and in the ensuing melee, someone lost their ear (I think that that it was Vincent Van Go)

6. But still we lost the battle and BOB Jr. ended up being taken away captive by the Sadducees.

Chapter 14

1. AND the Sadducees took BOB Jr. unto Poncho Pilot, who was judge in the land, and they said unto him, "Accuse this man of something, anything, so that we may kill him.

2. And Poncho Pilot said, "I would prefer not."

3. And so the Sadducees took BOB Jr. to People's Court, but Judge Wapner fined the Sadducees $50 for sexual harassment and neglect.

4. And so the Sadducees took BOB Jr. to Julio Seizure, but he didn't even speak English so they could get him to let them kill BOB Jr.

5. And so the Sadducees took BOB Jr. back to Poncho Pilot (they forgot that they had already tried him once).

6. And they said unto Poncho Pilot, "Let us kill this man or we will have to kill you."

7. So Poncho Pilot charged BOB Jr. with tax evasion and vehicular manslaughter set his execution date for Easter.

8. But first Poncho Pilot had to go through this complicated ritual where the people either got the choice of increasing taxes to pay for a new prison or just crucifying everyone who didn't fit inside.

9. And the people voted down the tax increase, of course.

10. And so BOB Jr. was crucified, rather painfully, on a blue spatula (they didn't have enough crosses seeing as it was Easter time).

11. And above BOB Jr. was a little sign that said: "Here is a commie smelly stupid fag."

12. And three days after BOB Jr. was killed, he was still dead.

Parables,

as told by BOB Jr.

Chapter 1

1. THERE was once a man, and he had two sons named Prodigal and Other.

2. And this man was very wealthy.

3. And one day the son, Prodigal, got sick of his rich father sexually molesting him so he took his share of the inheritance and took off for L.A.

4. And so the man killed the fatted calf and whipped his other son, Other.

5. While living in L.A., Prodigal fell in with a bad crowd and at first he started doing pot and coke.

6. Eventually he became a drug dealer while doing a little pimping on the side.

7. Soon enough, Prodigal was killing people for money and was having a great time.

8. But of course Prodigal fell in love with a nun from San Deemis, and after several years of trying to get to go out on a date with him, Prodigal gave up and tried to hang himself.

9. Of course he failed and ended up temporarily in an institution.

10. Finally the state released Prodigal into his father's custody. And when he returned home his father beat him to death.

11. But Other wasn't jealous.

Chapter 2

1. NOW there was this man (don't these guys ever have names?) and he was very wealthy (of course) and he had in his employ a wise servant and a foolish servant.

2. And the man was going to go away for a couple months and he gave twenty talents to each of his servants (talents are like twenty dollar bills, we just call them talents to make the symbolism that more obvious).

3. And the one servant took the money and invested in AT&T. Within hours, the servant increased his master's money 3,576 times.

4. So he took out the money and constructed a version of the Taj Mahal, only on the east coast.

5. Only it also had a motel and a casino.

6. And a freak hurricane hit the resort community and all of the money was lost.

7. The other servant took the money and hid it under a rock.

8. And when the man came to recollect his money, the one servant had to admit his mistake and he was sent to debtor's prison for the rest of his life.

9. And the other servant couldn't remember under which rock he had buried the money, so he was sent to prison for life too.

10. The real question here is which servant was the wise one which one was foolish?

Chapter 3

1. ONCE upon a time, there was a gardener (no, he doesn't have a name either).

2. And this planter must have been blind because he kept scattering his seeds into some of the dumbest places.

3. He sowed some seeds in the parking lot where they tried to grow between the cracks but they kept getting run over.

4. And he sowed some in the manure fields where they may have grown up really well, only no one will ever see them because the place smells so bad that no one will ever come near it.

5. And he sowed some in the carpet where they were vacuumed up to soon to sprout.

6. And he sowed some in his butt, but they didn't grow because that is "where the sun don't shine."

7. And he sowed some in the bookshelf and I don't know how they could ever grow there but some of them did.

8. And he planted the rest in good soil. And they grew up and increased a hundredfold, which caused a giant breeding and infestation of mosquitoes, causing an epidemic of malaria. And every one died.

Chapter 4

1. AND there were these eleven vestal virgins, and they were waiting outside to get into this wedding reception where they were planning on picking up some men.

2. And five of the virgins only had one container of oil for their lamps. And half through the night they had to stop by the Kwik-E-Mart to purchase another thing of oil for their lamps.

3. And another five of the virgins had two things of oil, but they ran out too. But still they waited in the dark (being virgins you would think that they would know when they've being stood up).

4. And the last virgin had a flashlight and a pair of official BOB© brand batteries. And six weeks later when the bridegroom finally remembered that he left them out there only she was still waiting.

5. So the bridegroom de-virginized her.

Chapter 5

1. And there were these two men and they were each going to build a house.

2. And the wise man built his house upon the rock for it was a strong foundation.

3. And the foolish man built his house upon the sand.

4. Then one day a huge storm hit the island and the house that the foolish man built was swept clean away but the house that the wise man built stood strong.

5. Of course the foolish man didn't care much for he had sold his house (as "beachfront" property) to a newlywed couple from California.

6. And of course the wise man later died from complications from the hernia he developed while trying to build the house all by himself.

7. And of course the couple from Arizona drowned so that the foolish man didn't have to worry about getting sued.

8. And the moral of this story is: never buy a house from a foolish man, because even the losers get lucky sometimes.

Chapter 6

1. AND there was once this rich man, and he mocked BOB so he died painfully the next day.

Chapter 7

1. NOW there was this woman, and she was very poor, for she had thirty-two children and she believed strongly in BOB.

2. And there was also this other man who was very wealthy, for he owned a bank.

3. And when the Annual BOB Fund raising drive came up, the rich man only gave $20,000,000.00 which was but half of what he owned.

4. But the poor woman, who only had a $13.42 to her name, went out and tried to rob a bank (by coincidence it was the bank that the rich guy owned) so she could give more to BOB.

5. Unfortunately the police shot the woman to death before she could make her getaway.

6. The truth to be learned from this story is: Don't be stupid.

Chapter 8

1. AND there was once this man and his name was . . . uh, . . . Fred.

2. And Fred was traveling to the land of Summary, when he attacked by this band of Crypts, who beat repeatedly about the shoulders and then took his money.

3. And while he lying there the cast and crew of Emergency 911, including William Shatner, set up and waited for someone to rescue him.

4. And along came this priest, and he ignored the bleeding man, for he was not a Bobist priest but rather a catholic priest.

5. And along came this high school Assistant Principal and he yelled at Fred for having food in the halls.

6. And finally, along came this good Summaryan, and he threw Fred a dime so that he could buy a Band-Aid© but Fred did not retrieve the dime because he was already dead.

7. And later on in the week the same group of Crypts killed both the Catholic priest and the Assistant principal, but they did not harm the good Summaryan, for the Bloods got to him first.

Ax

Chapter 1

1. AFTER BOB Jr. had died the apostles (disciples) got together and said, "What the hell do we do now?"

2. And Bernard decided that he would write his memoirs so he could sell the rights to Cecil B. DeMille.

3. And there was this man and his name was Fault

4. And Fault was traveling on the road between Damascus and Mecca (or maybe it was Akron and Columbus, I don't know).

5. And Fault hated BOB, because he was traumatized as a small child (If your parents named you Fault you would be very traumatized too).

6. And an angel appeared before Fault saying, "Change your name to Salt."

7. And so he did and suddenly he didn't hate BOB anymore. So, Salt became the first Bobarian (or converted Bobist).

Chapter 2

1. AND the disciples decided that now that BOB Jr. was dead it would be a good time to take a vacation.

2. And Valentine traveled Greenland where he taught to the natives about the importance of friendship and kindness and forgiveness.

3. And the Greenlanders arrested Valentine and stoned him to death.

4. And Patrick traveled to the land of Bophuthatswana.

5. And while he was there he tried to convert the people to Bobism.

6. And the Bophuthatswanians stoned Patrick to death under the charges of conspiracy.

7. And Larry traveled to Liechtenstein, and while he was there he went skiing.

8. And Larry also tried to convert some of the people unto BOB.

9. And Larry, actually had rather moderate success, converting 10% of population to Bobism (seeing as how there are only ten people in the whole country, it really isn't that impressive).

10. And Larry died in an avalanche a week later.

11. And Darryl sailed unto Mexico, where the officials really didn't like him.

12. But before the police could arrest and shoot him with a firing squad, Darryl drank some of the water a died from a bad case of diarrhea.

Chapter 3

1. AND the other Darryl traveled to Oregon where he quit Bobism and joined a cult of Satan-worshipping, yuppie, hari krishna skinheads.

2. And then Darryl was mysteriously struck by a lightening bolt.

3. And Moe decided that he would actually just stay home and hide under the covers (He's a smart guy).

4. And Paul traveled to France where he saw the Eiffel Tower.

5. And Paul decided that he didn't have to do any work while he was on vacation.

6. So Paul didn't teach the natives about kindness and charity.

7. And Paul was crucified upside-down on the charges of littering (he spit over the side of the Eiffel Tower).

8. And John traveled to Pittsburgh where he joined a heavy metal band and gained some local popularity and then O.D.'ed to death on Pepto-Bismol©.

9. And George traveled to Munich where he taught the inhabitants about Quantum Physics and Genetic Engineering.

10. And George became a professor of Religion at the University.

11. And George got married to this nice local girl named Ingrid, and they raised seven healthy and normal children.

12. And George died at the age of 104 from Old Age (at 104 what did you expect?)

Chapter 4

1. And Sleepy, the beloved, traveled to Washington D.C. and preached to the locals about the evils of lying and corruption and dishonesty.

2. So the natives were very wroth and the Committee for the investigation of Un-American Activities sent Sleepy to the electric chair.

3. And Dopey came unto the land of Chocolate where he died from severe obesity.

4. And No one knows what happened to Ringo, but we did get a postcard from seven years later from Egypt that said: "There are no bad snakes and the weather is better than the water. Love R. P.S.: Shave your knuckles, Harriet."

5. It obviously was a dumb prank (hoax) perpetrated by a group of Theloneous Monks.

6. And Salt later committed suicide.

John's first epistle to the Pennsylvanians

Chapter 1

1. DEAR Pennsylvanians,

How is the weather out there? I hear you guys recently purchased a new church. Well good for you guys.

2. The reason that I am writing you is three-fold (well that's how many times you have to fold a letter to get it to fit into the envelope. Ha-Ha.)

3. Anyway, I thought I'd just drop you a line to remind you of some of the basic principles of the gospel of BOB, and I if I do a really good job, this letter may actually be canonized into a book of scripture.

4. To be perfectly honest with you though I don't think that there is a shot in hell of that happening.

5. First item of business, remember that a bathroom is different than a restroom. That is why you don't see signs that say "Ladies' Bathroom" because there probably isn't a bathtub in the whole place.

6. However in casual conversation most men and women will say, "Mommy, can I go to the bathroom?"

7. So it is your duty as Pennsylvanians and as Bobists to rise above the peons and say, "This mall has no bathroom. It has but a restroom, even though after rubbing shoulders with you unwashed heathen I am in desperate need of a shower."

8. This will not however bring you a lot of friends.

9. But then again not much about being a Bobist lends itself not unto popularity.

Chapter 2

1. NOW, a true Bobist is someone who notices people's, culture's, society's, and humanity's flaws, and often times a Bobist will make lots of money making fun of these flaws.

2. Unfortunately, however ninety-six times out of a hundred and one, the ones being lampooned will spend a lot of money hearing you complain about how awful they are, but they will not change their filthy habits.

3. So do not become a lover of other people's flaws just because you get some cash in the process.

4. Besides to be a true Bobist one must first recognize their own faults and then either try to change their problems or they could find some place where no one really minds and then try to live with their flaws.

5. And do not spend a lot of time trying to get money. Because, even though money can buy happiness, if you are too pre-occupied with trying to get the money in the first place you may forget to actually go out and purchase some happiness.

6. And now I warn you again, Do not do what others want you to do.

7. If people tell you what they want you to do they have at least put some thought into it and they think that it would be a good idea for you.

8. However, if your peers are just sending you these subtle little hints, and saying stuff like, "Some day you really ought to . . . " it's just because they're doing whatever it is alone and they don't want feel abnormal.

9. Besides that, they probably want someone smarter than them to stand up to their defence when the whole thing crashes down on them.

10. So if you are under the impression that you're the only one of your friends that doesn't like Garth Brooks, take it as a complement.

Chapter 3

1. AND now I will exhort you that you put your faith in BOB, because if you don't he will strike thee with a lightening bolt.

2. And remember, you are always, approximately 24,859.82 miles due south of yourself, so act like it.

3. And when things get too weird, or too normal, or just don't know anymore, you should rely on "The Meaningless Gesture", which is like unto that of making a shadow doggie, and when necessary you can whisper the word, "Hef" to go along with it.

4. Does 2 + 2 = 4 ? Not exactly, but it as as close a humanly possible.

5. But what are the differences? First of all one is on the left side and the other is on the right.

6. And one is a question while the other is a quantity. Besides you can't add two and two because first of all there are not exactly the same. Because nothing ever exactly equals anything.

7. However when asked what two plus two equals on a math test, don't write all of this down, it involves too many words and abstract concepts and letters that don't stand for anything for most math teachers to handle.

8. Besides most math teachers are illiterate anyway.

Chapter 4

1. THERE is this fly buzzing around the room and it is really distracting me.

2. Anyway, have you ever noticed how some things are too good to be true, but nothing is ever too bad to be true, or even too purple to be true. And do you know what, there's a reason.

3. I sincerely hope that I have not bothered you too much already O.K.

Love,

John

4. P.S. Harriet, shave your knuckles.

Elevations

Chapter 1

1. IN the seventh seal there will be a dragon, and he shall hold a blue spatula in his right hand and a flaming cow in the right.

2. And the dragon shall feast upon the earth as if is were a jawbreaker with gum in the middle.

3. And the dragon's name shall be Fred, and his breath shall be very bad.

4. And the number of the beast shall be 420-5499.

5. And John Elway's number shall be seven.

6. And the Toronto Blue Jays will pull it out in the sixth game to defeat the Atlanta Braves in the 2036 World Series.

7. And the moon shall turn to blood and stain all over the earth.

8. And there shall come a man named Carl Sagan, and he shall announce the coming apocalypse of the Cosmos.

9. Listen closely to the Cows, they have seen things. And it shall taste like soap.

Chapter 2

1. AND in the sixth seal there shall be a man, and he will eat a book in his right hand.

2. And in his left hand shall be a package of frozen peas.

3. And the peas shall be the earth and there will be no time for those who don't already have the form filled out.

4. And there shall be wars and rumors of wars and rumors of near-wars and hints at rumors of near-wars.

5. And there shall be fire and the shall be an uprising in England. And there is a box that shall not be opened till Xmas.

6. And people will not know that the X stands for BOB.

7. And I stand (and be counted) for BOB.

8. For there shall be no mercy when the time of judgment comes. And those who were without will be within, and those that are within will be brought to the right hand. And the chattel will be brought to the left.

9. And Rap shall walk the earth freely again, and those who try to oppose it will be rewarded in heaven.

10. And then shall there be a giant armadillo and will be cruel to those who voted for Dan Pass as Student Body President, and those who voted for Jose Sandoval as Latin Club President.

11. And so shall it be.

Chapter 3

1. AND in fifth seal there shall be seal guts, and seal intestines, and seal aortas, and seal lungs, and seal colons, and seal fat.

2. And there will be man riding through the desert on a horse with no name.

3. For there ain't no one for to give me no pain.

4. And it shall come to pass that there will be maggots crawling out of humanity's eyeballs and they shall careth not.

5. And the word of BOB shall spread over the zitty face of the planet like a tube of Oxy-10©

6. And it shall come to pass that the ampersand shall be used more frequently.

7. And the weather shall be very unpredictable, and Radar Doppler 9 will be destroyed in a flood.

8. And many men shall quake at the sight of thirteen bags of potato chips in a green basket.

9. And the piper will call us all to reason, but "Big Brother" will be watching.

10. And there will be large rocks falling out of the sky, and they shall land in complex geometric patterns.

11. And there shall be a crescent wrench.

12. And the day of reckoning shall be Thursday, and it shall be at 7:00 p.m. and there will be no rocks to hide under, And you saw the hole of the moon and it was a great and terrible orifice.

13. But that's what happens when you shoot for the moon.

14. And only Argentina shall escape.

Chapter 4

1. IN the fourth seal portions of the land shall returned to 1536 A.D. and the will get no five cent deposit in California.

2. And there shall be Louise F. and Bonnie C. and Lisa S. and Karin and Kathryn and Connie and Putter and Cootz and Cheerleader and Nancy.

3. The piper calling you to join him.

4. And the thirteen tribes of Izreal shall be re-united. And Albert will have his own land and it shall be paradise.

5. And crowds will gather to see the man on a red horse and he shall have the Book of BOB in his right hand.

6. And many shall say, "Where's the Beef?" and there shall be but Spam©.

7. Question not little children, "Who was that?" For that was your future as death passing before you like a turbo penguin.

8. And there will be an ancient archangel sitting on the shoulder of the mountain.

9. And the files will be lost and all will be as it was during the holocaust. And there shall be mental chaos which shall bring about emotional hell.

10. Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine, The piggies shall be killed in the Helter Skelter and they will turn to attack the Blackbird.

11. And there shall be no good taste in North America, and people will watch Cheers and enjoy it.

12. These arms of mine are wanting, wanting to hold you.

Chapter 5

1. AND in the third seal, there shall be not much . . .

2. And in the second seal, there shall be a place where everybody knows your name.

3. And it's asking for the taking, trembling, shaking, Ah my heart is aching. We're coming to the edge running on the water, tripping and falling in face first.

4. And there will be those who doubt and thou shalt eat a scorn and it shall be as salted honey on thy lips.

5. And many men will question the meaning of this and it shall be told of them that there is a bee on high that stings those who paint Cambell's© soup cans.

6. And there are many of the wild gophers that need flesh to gnaw on into eternity. Don't be a volunteer.

7. Beware! or don't . . .

Chapter 6

1. AND in the first and final seal there shall be an omen, and it will be Drew Barrymore.

2. And the shall be shadows taller than our souls.

3. And DQ hot dogs will save our society as we know it, but only if it is applied properly.

4. And I will not be fireman when I grow up because I find the second verse so sad, but I will rack up the eighths that belong to me.

5. And destruction will reign on the earth, and because people are so stupid. Only 666 people will even notice. And only 15 people will care. And they will be unable to do anything about it because they are still in high school.

6. . . . and turn the hearts of the fathers to children and the hearts of the children to their fathers lest I come and smite the earth with a curse. Well, that's it. Old friend Doug Schaffer standing by. We'll get some coffee, we'll get some motzah ball soup. I'm rooting for the Nicks this year, if you're betting in the NBA I think they're going to go all the way. So, I guess there is nothing more to say than . . .

THE END.

2006-10-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you need to see someone else's misery in order to put your own (or lack thereof) into perspective.

Today, one of my girlfriends called me with some bad news -- She'd been fired from her job. That more than sucks, because she'd been fired from her last job less than a year ago.

Now, the events leading up to both firings were, for all intensive purposes, her fault. She's a bank robber. Not the gun-toting, Bonnie and Clyde type, but the kind that forgets to deposit large sums of money, and just kind of held onto it until someone discovered it was missing, which by the way didn't take too long. People might not miss fifty or even one-hundred bucks, but Twenty-five Thousand plus? All at once? All in neat little deposit bags in your bedroom? Someone is bound to notice. I don't think she really meant to do it, I think it was just a mistake that got totally out of control. That happens. Anyway, the point is she got caught, got charged with theft over $5000, and got to wear one of those sweet orange jumpsuits that says "correctional facility" in a way that no other shade of orange can.

She lost a lot of friends over that mistake. Not me, I didn't really care. I'm not exactly Princess Virtue over here myself, and it would be more than a little hypocritical of me to judge her after some of the stuff I've pulled. Anyway, I believe my point was she lost a lot from the experience -- Her parents barely speak to her, her best friend dropped her without even talking to her, her assets were frozen, she lost her car, her roomate threw her out,and after her parents basically imprisoned her in their house, she moved out and ended up living with a guy who can't find his own ass with both hands. Not an ideal situation. Silver lining being that her legal aide lawyer was able to swing a deal, no jail time, and no record if she paid her fines and an additional $500 to local charity. Atleast that's what they told her. Now, none of it is official yet, because there's really no such thing as due process when it comes to our legal system. It hasn't gone through the system yet, so really she hasn't been technically convicted of anything
.

Anyway, she got a job as an insurance advisor pending receipt of her RIBO licensing (which the company paid for the exams she had to write as well as the study time she had to put in.)
I don't know how much you know about RIBO, but it's a self-regulatory body for insurance brokers. RIBO itself stands for Registered Insurance Brokers of Ontario, and if you're not RIBO licensed, you don't sell insurance.

Now here's the fun part. Even though she hasn't been convicted of anything yet, RIBO (who works in conjunction with the government, who in turn has access to police records)can see everything on a "deep" search, which Ray tells me is different than a regular criminal abstract. Long story short - when the application asked if she'd ever been convicted of anything, she answered no (because it's the truth) and later got fired for non-disclosure.

So she's having a bad week. She also called to tell me that her cousin (who is also a friend of mine) just found out that her boyfriend -- get this-- HAS A WIFE.
Like... what the fuck?

She's having a bad week too.

I, by comparisson, am not having a bad week.

Just needed a little perspective.

2006-10-15T22:24:00.001-07:00

...And just when I thought things were starting to resemble some state of normalcy... Matty pops back up with a vengeance.

Read the below. It has nothing to do with him.

2006-10-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

I hate driving with other people. Actually that's not true. I hate driving with my father. No matter what's happening, he's gripping the stability bar above the window, or has himself firmly braced against the dashboard as if the universe is about to offer up concrete proof that I am, without question, the World's Worst Driver and accordingly is about to smear us all over the pavement.

The truth is, I'm not the World's Worst Driver. I'm not even Canada's Worst Driver. So there. And I come bearing a message: Everyone thinks they're a good driver, and everyone would be wrong Wrong WRONG.

Now, my dad, he thinks he's a great driver. Largely due to the fact that he has signing authority with the ministry to give or take your license (G, Z, D and A) away. But I know stories. OHHHH do I know stories. Most of the stories start out with "Two Lane Tony" as the protaganist and then go on from there. My dad? Not a good driver. He rarely looks in the mirror, and has, on more than one occasion, fallen asleep at the wheel. ANd more than that, he's HIT STATIONARY VEHICLES while doing it. Even I can't top that, and I've hit a bus bench. (Yes, those are on the sidewalk.)

"Stephanie SLOW DOWN"
"Dad...we're going 5."

Now, I'm not claiming to be a fabulously safe driver, I know I'm not. I've had a couple accidents. I have two speeding tickets I wasn't able to cry my way out of. I've totalled a couple cars. I almost killed myself once on the expressway drag racing with someone at 200+ Km/h, and if it wasn't for the two feet of water in the ditch I landed in, my camaro would have rolled, and I'd probably be a lot shorter than I am right now. (ALthough I'd like to point out that the skid marks that were left after that one were there for almost a year before they faded away.) Sure, everyone knows "how to" drive. Everyone knows how to start the car, how to make turns, how to accelerate and brake and blah bling blah. Everyone knows that you shouldn't pass unless there's a dotted-line lane marker; everyone knows that you can't park in front of a fire hydrant. Everyone knows that, if they speed, they risk getting a ticket, and that they shouldn't weave, and that you turn the wheel in the direction of the back of the car to correct a fishtail. Everyone learned this stuff at the age of fifteen in driver's ed. Everyone knows how to drive. And yet, three quarters of the people on the road at any given time drive like Stevie Wonder on a Thorazine binge.

I've been driving for a long, long time now. I grew up learning to drive on back roads in LaSalle where there's nothing to bother but cemetaries and corn fields. I was never a nervous driver, I never hesitated to punch it, and when I learned how to drive stick, it just got worse. I understand that because I don't hesitate, I'm sometimes scary to drive with. And anyone who drives with me -- well, they know I'm an easily irritated driver. But I wouldn't be, if everyone would just follow some simple, simple rules.

The first unspoken rule, which is actually a spoken rule that has apparently fallen from favor: pay attention to your surroundings. Yeah, you, in the SUV. You could crush me if that hilariously fascinating phone call distracts you for a split second, so listen up. HANG UP AND DRIVE MOTHERFUCKER. You do not need to talk on the phone and drive at the same time, unless your wife has just gone into labor and you have to coach her -- and even that can wait. Labor lasts a while. Call her back from a parking lot. You don't need to get the gossip; you don't need to explain in laborious detail to the receptionist why you won't get to work on time. Call in, tell them you're late, and hang up. Answer the phone, tell the boyfriend you're on your way, get directions from your mom, whatever, and hang up. HANG UP. It's not that important. You're not that important. You do not need to eat a messy taco and drive at the same time. You do not need to apply liquid eyeliner and drive at the same time. You do not need to rummage around for a cd in the back seat and drive at the same time. If you have to take your eyes off the road, you do not need to do it while driving, and you should not do it while driving, or you will get into an accident and kill someone, possibly yourself. Pay attention. Please.

Now, I want y'all to learn to use your brakes. They work a lot better when they're pressed as opposed to being stomped on. You can see a stop sign from several hundred feet away. THey don't sneak up on you babe. You don't need to wait until you're a foot away and then step on them the way you'd step on your ex-boyfriend's neck while trying to keep him underwater. My father would call it "having care and control of the vehicle," I call it "stopping whiplash before it starts." Oh, and by the way, just because you see a flake of harmless, non-sticking snow fluttering to the ground, doesn't mean it necessitates bringing traffic to a halt. The snowflake has friends, just press firmly, but gently on your brake pedal to avoid skidding to a stop. It'll be ok. I promise.

Oh. And...the cop on the shoulder, writing a ticket, has ALREADY PULLED SOMEONE ELSE OVER. You can tell, because there's another non-cop car there, and he's standing next to it, writing the ticket I just told you about. He's not going to drop that to come after you, because you are not starring in your own personal remake of Smokey & The Bandit, so DON'T SLAM ON YOUR BRAKES, MORON. It's pointless, it's dangerous, and it's also really obvious to the cop, who has probably seen that clever maneuver about a hundred thousand times TODAY ALONE.

Ah yes. A couple words about merging. When you're getting on to an expressway, or a freeway, or a highway, YOU DON'T DO IT AT 30 KM/H. It's dangerous. Yield to oncoming traffic, and then drive it like you stole it. I cannot stand it when drivers perch at the entrance ramp and then mince out into the right lane -- PUNCH it, you wusses! It's a HIGHWAY. High. Way. The "high" here refers to your SPEED. If you wanted to drive thirty-five, you should have taken the back roads, and if you wanted to serve as a parade float, you should have talked to the mayor, but this ain't the Rose Bowl so STEP ON IT.

Which brings me to my next rule: Left lane fast. Right lane slow. Middle lane is sorta at your leisure as long as you're keeping up with traffic.
The right lane is for wide loads, cars entering and exiting the roadway, people looking for the off-ramps, trucks, and all other slower drivers. The middle lane is sort of just there. The left lane is for driving fast. That's it. That's all it's for. Passing, schmassing -- if I have to pass you, it's because you don't drive as fast as I do. If you don't drive fast, stay out of the left lane. I mean it. If you think one hundred is pushing the sound barrier, stay out of the left lane. You don't belong here. No, seriously. No -- no, seriously. Get. The fuck. Out. Of the left lane. I hope the bold-face gets the message through, because I really, really don't understand why the Sunday-driving dipshits of the world swing into the left lane and then don't catch their snap when I ride their bumpers at One-twenty. The left lane is not for ninety-five, Snail Irwin -- the left lane is for FAAAAAAAST. The left lane is for cruise control. The left lane is for killing one one thousand kilometers in eight hours, and the right lane is for pokey sightseers, so get back over there and let me pass you. Yeah, behind you. Let me pass you. No, no -- LET me PASS you. Don't do give me that uptight "well, I'm doing the speed limit, and if she doesn't like it, that's too bad" bullshit, either. I couldn't give a fiddler's fart about the speed limit after SIX HOURS in the car, and if you won't move over I'll just go around and dust your ass ANYWAY, and it's the left lane of the biggest highway in North AMerica, -- FUCKING GET OVER AND LET ME PASS YOU! GAAAAAAAHHH! The left lane is for driving fast, period. If you can't or won't drive fast, stay. To. THE RIGHT. Oh. and DO NOT HIT YOUR BRAKES ON THE EXPRESSWAY. There's no stop signs peaches. If you're not tailgating, there should never be a reason to hit your brakes while on the straighaway. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Cutting people off. Don't do it. And if you do, don't sit there all "oops I did it again" with your turn signal hanging out. Get moving Pokey McPokerson! I'll get over the fact that you've cut me off, but for the love of god, get going! We're not in the car for the good of our health, we're there because we have somewhere to go. While we're young. Yeah. THanks. Jesus!

Anyway, use common sense. If it doesn't look like you can fit into the lane without causing a major melee, you probably can't. I don't care if your car is "compact." Unless it's made out of rubber and foam, it's not a good idea. Uh Duh.

That is all.

2006-10-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I'm slit your wrists bored.

So from time to time I read the Bible.

I don't really care what you believe in. There's some good stuff in there. Not preachy stuff, just good stuff. Ok, so some preachy stuff, but I tend to filter and take what I need out of something and leave the rest. Sometimes I read Chicken Soup for the Soul. Sometimes I read the Bible. It's all good.

A cheerful heart is good medicine.
Proverbs 17:22

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Corinthians 13:13

Forsake not an old friend; for the new is not comparable to him: a new friend is as new wine; when it is old, thou shalt drink it with pleasure.
Ecclesiasticus 9:10

...he who commits adultery has no sense; he who does it destroys himself. He will get wounds and dishonor, and his disgrace will not be wiped away. For jealousy arouses a husband’s fury, and he shows no restraint when he takes revenge.
Proverbs 6:32-34

Heh.

Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?
Bible, Job 12:12

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.
Ecclesiastes 9:10

Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust. Love still stands when all else has fallen.
1 Corinthian 13: 7,

Not sure I believe that, but I'd sure like to.

Anyway, enough.

2006-10-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to talk about this until now.

Kendall Hebert, one of the true great racer chicks I ever met, died last week in a tragic accident when he dragster got caught in a cross wind, hit the cement barrier and rolled several times. She was ejected from the car and later pronounced dead.

SHe wasn't even competing. She was out ther going almost 300 MILES per hour competely for the sake of the fans. That's the kind of girl she was. Did you know the Guniess Book of World Records had paperwork out there crowning her the fastest female in the world?

I worked in her dad Kenny's garage for almost two years and I've never met people so dedicated to the sport. Kendall was singleminded. She thought of racing. She loved racing. And she was great at it. She was exciting, and talented and even though she was so young, I wish I could have been more like her.

She'll be missed by our community in Tecumseh as well as the entire racing community alike.

It doesn't take long to get to Heaven at 300 MPH.

2006-10-08T14:27:00.000-07:00

You know what gets me in trouble? I'll tell you.

I have a long, cold, hard history with being right. When I was a kid, I was right all the time. Knew the answers, knew why I knew the answers, knew what the next questions would be. Moving all the time meant I was always being given another series of placement tests, and I knew what those would be like, too.

I didn't know everything, but I found a way to be right about what I did know.

One of the nastiest (and probably helpful) things about getting older is I find I'm not right as often. In fact, these days I'm usually wrong. I've found that my main tool for always being right -- my memory -- isn't doing its job as well as it used to. I don't think I'm getting dumber, I think I'm starting to understand how much more I just don't know, and because there are all these things I don't know, I can't possibly be completely right about what I do know anymore. The bravado I needed to be sure and confident through my teens and early twenties isn't necessary right now. In fact, I seem to need to not know things in order to learn anything anymore. I have to enjoy being wrong.

Because I'm wrong a lot, I now really appreciate when I'm right. When I know I'm right, anyway. I can have a hunch I'm right, but when I'm right with facts and proof, it's a pretty good feeling, as it doesn't happen as often as it used to. Probably because I no longer spend much time taking standardized tests.

My boyfriend doesn't assume I'm right. In fact, quite the opposite. But then again, he's old and he believes in the antiquated addage of "age before beauty." One of the most common questions he'll ask after I make a statement is, "Are you sure?" It didn't use to bother me. Not in the slightest. I think I'd usually respond, "Yes," and then forget he even asked. But as my memory has started to go on vacations, and as I've learned I'm not always so damn right, that question can now set me off.

Are you sure?

Actually, no. Not anymore. Even though I know I'm right. Now I'm not so sure. Because sometimes I'm wrong, so maybe I'm wrong again.

"Where's the mail?"
"I put it on the table."
"Are you sure?"

I don't know. I can see the mail on the table from where I am, and I have a vivid memory of putting the mail on the table, but maybe I didn't. Maybe I can't see it. Maybe he can somehow see that it isn't really there, even though he's not even looking at the table yet and hasn't seen that it is, in fact, exactly where I said it is. Maybe he can see the future, where the mail isn't on the table anymore. I feel like a scene from Marathon Man. "Is it safe?"

A couple weeks ago I saw that his brother hadn't picked up a parcel he was supposed to pick up. I saw it by the mailbox as we drove up to the driveway.

"Jeff forgot the thing."
"No, he didn't."

Maybe .02 seconds had passed between those sentences. And the old me would have said, "Yes, he did, Wrongy." and not thought a thing. But here's the me that's wrong a lot, so now I've got a moment where I'm so right that I get smug and I snot back, "Well, in three seconds you'll see that he did leave the thing, and then you can prove to yourself that the thing is there, and maybe then you'll believe me, but it's not like it matters if you believe me or not because whatever."
When I was a kid and knew more answers, I was a much more mature human being.

Last week, watching the credits on Lost, I saw a familiar name. Not someone I know in real life, but someone I know from the lyrics of a Beastie Boys song. I pointed at the name under the "Music Supervisor" credit and I chanted a line from Paul's Boutique: "I bought a hot dog from who? George Drakoulias!"

As I was still in the hospital, and was just on the phone while we were "watching tv together" my boyfriend said, "I'm pretty sure that's not him."

"Why? Why not? You think there are a bunch of music guys named George Drakoulias?"

"That album is from forever ago."

"Don't you think George Drakoulias gets someone shouting that lyric at him every day?"

"No."

Ed went to check online as I went back to attempting to adjust my bed without killing myself, tired of feeling wrong when I was pretty sure I was right. Or at least I should be commended for my awesome Beastie Boys knowledge.

My memory's keeping that useless stuff alive in my brain. When it actually comes in handy? There should be a party. I'm waiting on that day when I am needed by the government, when the only way to stop global thermonuclear war is to beat a computer at a game called "Seventeen Or So Useless NASCAR Facts."

"You know," Ed said as I flipped through more channels on my dinky hospital TV. "You might actually... this guy... he did music for Tom Petty, but I'm sure it's still not the same guy."

"Oh. Thanks."

I wanted some kind of validation for being kind of right, but I wasn't going to get it. He was too busy doing his own internet research, not realizing that I was spinning inside my own frustration. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to be so right about. That I spotted two Greek men in the music industry, and made a connection that might be true? Is this what I was getting so upset about? Is this worth being so angry? So, remembering something I'd been studying earlier that evening, I just accepted and let go and tried to be patient with the fact that nobody said I was wrong, and there's nothing all that awesome with being right, anyway.

When it comes to learning new information, Ed and I are two different people. I usually believe what someone says to me, sometimes to a fault, but Ed immediately needs to prove it to himself. So while I often end up feeling gullible, Ed's often left trying to explain why he wasn't exactly calling someone wrong, he was just trying to determine how right the other person was before he went ahead and believed him.

So a couple of minutes before I flipped out, when Ed and I got on the subject of a Paul Simon song, I heard hesitation and knew that he did not want to step into another pile of me.

We were talking about "Feeling Groovy," which, according to Ed, is about taking lots of acid. I said that I was pretty sure that Paul Simon didn't write that song. That it was by a band called the Feeling Groovies.

"I remember this," I said, "because Dave Lorenzon and I got into a huge fight about it my senior year of high school."

I remember Dave kept singing the chorus of this song, and it was driving me crazy and everything's sketchy, but I remember him handing me a CD of this band, the Feeling Groovies. I remember having a two-cd Simon and Garfunkel album with that song on it, and how I'd shown him the track. I couldn't remember if it said it was written by Paul Simon. I just remember feeling like Dave was right and I was wrong, and I was somehow the owner of a Feeling Groovies album.

Ed couldn't find a band named "Feeling Groovies." He did, however, have a Simon & Garfunkel album with that song on it, and it says it was written by Paul Simon.

"Wow. I can't believe Dave Lorenzon had a CD made up by a band that didn't exist just to show me that I can be wrong."

"You do get kind of ... well, you do like to be right."

"How did he do that?"

That same year my mother accused my father and me of contacting The Windsor Star and getting them to create a fake newspaper just for us so that we could continue conning her into believing in the flesh-eating virus. She was sure we'd made it up, and she couldn't believe the lengths we went to in order to keep her going.

I hung up and immediately wanted to take a shower. Something about hot water on my head always makes my memory work better, and after about a million years (you wouldn't believe how long it takes to convince ICU nurses that a shower ispractical and ok) I finally got to have my shower. A small victory all in itself. It was there that I remembered it was actually a band called the Flamin' Groovies.

So I called Ed back, and he looked that band up. No cover of "Feelin Groovy." I'm wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, and I don't know what I'm right about.

Listen, this is going to bother me for a very long time. Because my brain has removed key moments from this unimportant argument I had with someone when I was eighteen. It's possible that I had the Flamin' Groovies album already, but I don't know why I would have had that.

All I know for sure is that Dave Lorenzon loved to prove me wrong, whenever he found a moment to show me how wrong I was. We fought a lot, because... well, because he would find something that would set me off and just pick at it. We fought about politics. I still remember when Clinton was saying that oral sex wasn't technically sex, Dave and I fought about that for a week. I remember he kept asking me, "Steph. Is a blue radio still a radio? Even though it's blue? A blue radio is still a radio, isn't it?"

Dave really would enjoy this last laugh, that I'm racking my brain here this morning trying to remember why I had an epic argument with my boyfriend about the song "Feelin' Groovy," which is still one of my least favorite songs ever and now is playing on a constant loop inside my head. That ain't right.

I'm not sure why I was so angry. And I'm atleast pretty sure that it didn't have much to do with Ed.

So yes, that was the fight that ended a relationship. I'll spare you the details on what I said, and why I sucked. But I will tell you that I'm going to blame morphine. Atleast a little.

Now that I'm able to admit I'm often wrong, I have to work on feeling less triumphant over the moments that I'm right. Because that's when I really feel like an asshole.

2006-10-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

I am a stupid, stupid girl.
I let things go until I can't fix them anymore and then I wonder where I went wrong.
Two weeks ago, I was sick. I figured it wasn't a big deal, and I continued to be sick. And when I say I was sick, I mean that I threw up for an entire week and didn't mention it to anyone because I didn't think it was a big deal. By friday I was throwing up blood and shaking so bad I couldn't do anything but lay on the couch and try not to move.
I told everyone I was tired and flu-y and they left me alone.
I chalked it up to a nasty case of the flu aggravated by the recent surgery I had.
By fiday night, I was so dehydrated that even though I was sobbing in pain, no tears were coming out.
My brother called the ambulance.
I went to the hospital in WIndsor, where they couldn't do anything for me and medi-vacced me to Detroit where they found that my small intestine had broken through some of the stiches from the previous surgery, and cut off it's own oxygen and blood supply. Because it had no oxygen and blood to operate off of, the intestine began to decompose resulting in a bacteria count that should have killed me.
So they chopped off 16 inches of small intestine and some part of my colon that I didn't need anyway, pumped me full of antibiotics, pain killers and bloodthinners and now I think I'm ok.
I spent a whole week in Detroit watching VH-1. Know what I discovered? I love Hulk Hogan. If you ever get the chance, Hogan Knows Best is awesome television. THis coming from the girl who truly believes that reality television is the devil.

I have the world's longest scar and I can't rotate in any way, but I have good drugs. So I'm alright. It was a long week, and I all I wanted to do was come home. So now I'm home, and that's good.

Sometime before I went into the hospital, I freaked the fuck out and told Ed I never wanted to see him again. I don't remember what I was mad about, which leads me to believe that I was in the wrong. Since "I'm sorry, I was wrong" aren't words that string together in my vocabulary, I might have fucked this one up royally. Because he wont come to me after what I said, and I can't face him, it might be the end of the Saga, and although I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not, right now I'm sad.

On the brighter side, having no digestive system to speak of has it's good points: All the banana popsicles I can eat.

2006-09-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

Ed is the only person who isn't pissing me off right now. That's amusing because under normal circumstances, he's the first person to get on my last damn nerve, and I don't have that many damn nerves to get on in the first place.

Saturday afternoon I was on my way to Ed's when I made a small pit-stop at the mall to pick up this excellent purple crocodile purse. Anyway, while I was there, I ran into my brother and his (for lack of a better word) homies. Now, I cannot cannot CANNOT bring myself to be nice to people I would otherwise make fun of (and these boys are definitely people I make fun of), and I wasn't really in a mean mood, so the best I could do was ignore them.

My brother, bless him little heart, is the laziest boy on two legs and ditched his buddies so that I would drive him home and he wouldn't have to be seen in the throws of public transportation, but not before I had a little time to look at shoes.

Now, I know, there's no such thing as me spending "a little time" looking at shoes, so by the time I bought the most amazing pair boots ever made (soft leather, wedge heel) I forgot all about having to be at Ed's.

I had a couple things to do, so I brought my brother with me and we went downtown to take care of a couple loose ends I hadn't finished up during the week, and to check my damn PO BOX because I haven't done that in ages.

Anyway, when I finally remembered that I had plans, I raced my brother home, and zoomed off to Ed's who was not even a little bit happy to see me (three hours late.)

This is the part where we enter an alternate universe and Ed loses his damn mind and starts accusing me of being downtown with some other guy:

Him: Where were you?
Me: I'm super super sorry, I was shopping, I lost track of time.
Him: Where were you shopping?
Me: At the mall... why?
Him: Don't lie to me.
Me: I wouldn't lie about buying shoes.
Him: I saw you.
Me: At the mall?
HIm: No.
Me: At the bank?
Him: no.
Me: Are you going to tell me where you saw me or are we going to play 20 questions for the rest of the night?
Him: You weren't at the mall. You were downtown. I saw you with that guy.
Me: What guy?
Him: The tall guy with the white hat.
Me: Have you fallen and hit your head?
HIm: Go on lie to me, tell me you weren't downtown.
Me: I was downtown.
Him: Then you lied about being at the mall.
Me: No, I was at the mall before I was downtown. WITH MY BROTHER YOU JACKASS.
Him: No. There's no way that was your brother.
Me: Totally me brother dude.
Him: No. That guy was a mountain.
Me: My brother is my father's son afterall.
Him: I don't believe you. You hate spending time with your brother
Me: You don't have to believe me. I don't care. ANd I don't hate my brother.
Him: You might not hate him, but you can't be in the same room with him.
Me: That's because he's like a big/little stupid adult.
Him: I'm calling your brother.
Me: You do that, Columbo. Knock yourself out.

****** A phone conversation with my 15 year old brother ensues *******

Him: So how mad are you right now?
Me: Not very.
Him: I called you a liar.
Me: yeah.
Him: I almost called you a slut.
Me. Yep.
Him: And you haven't thrown anything at me.
Me: I'd miss most of the good breakable stuff. Besides, It's kinda cute when you get all worked up over nothing.
Him: I'm sorry.
Me: I know.... what were you doing downtown when you knew i was coming over anyway?
Him: YOu're not the only one who's chronically late babe.
Me: I like the distinction. Learn to be on time.

And so endeth the story.

2006-09-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

When most people announce that they will "teach" "someone" "a" "lesson," you never really expect the lesson to teach anything at all. Mostly it's just to make someone feel better about whatever it is that happens to be happening.

Dear boy who lives in the apartment above Jay: Please refrain from relieving yourself off the side of your balcony.

Love, S.

Not that I expect this to be a problem after what happened earlier this week:

Picture it, Sicily, 1934.

Uhm actually, a more accurate picture would be East Windsor, on a balcony on a semi-windy night.

So Jay and I are sitting on his balcony; he's drinking beer, I'm coloring in one of Tara's coloring books. We're talking about the word bazoo and how it drives me up the damn wall.

I was in the middle of explaining how I could never love the word "bazoo" because it reminds me of the word "kazoo" which I am coincidentally terrified of, when I was interupted by a steady flow of urine showering down from above. Keeping in mind it's semi-windy and I now have pee on my coloring book.

Jay immediately stands up and announces that he will "teach him a lesson."

I didn't have time to think about why he grabbed one of the live power cords he had laying on the balcony, and if I did, the conclusion I would have come to would be that Jay was going to strangle the boy, which couldn't have been further from what actually happened.

WIthout a second thought, or another word, he took the live power cord and threw it into the stream of pee.

You can't even imagine the noises that came after that. It wasn't really screaming, it wasn't really shrieking, and it wasn't really crying, but maybe a combination of the three with a bit of yipping in between.

Yes, he electrucuted that boy's pecker.

On a brighter note, he hasn't peed off the balcony since.

2006-09-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

New Blog.

Stories to come:
Ed falling on his head
Electricution by pee.

But not right now.